nickilosophy.

2009-08-16T23:55:00.003+08:00

2009-08-14T10:35:00.000+08:00

Maturity is a journey we take to discard our inner inhibitions.

I'm still young.

The stories we have yet to share

2009-08-13T12:14:00.005+08:00

Single conversations with another often entitle us to a glimpse, or more, to the concealed narratives of one's life. There is a special quality in speaking to another individually that stands out from all other types of conversations - it pulls us along a path less travelled, where we find it more comfortable to speak about the intimate details of our lives without the usual accompanying baggage of conflicting emotions and self-consciousness.

Nestled within us are myriad subplots and storylines that we often do not share with others. Sometimes, these personal stories come into conflict with our public personae, or they could reflect weaknesses that we prefer to keep under wraps. That is why these stories often reside along the path of greatest resistance in common dialogues, I guess.

But human nature is capricious. There are moments where we feel more vulnerable, or moments where we are more inclined to open up. These are the unpredictable times when two persons find their relationship transformed in a fundamental and entirely unexpected way to become something more, something deeper.

In that case, it might be true that the greatest relationships are formed not because of similarities, but in spite of them; and that circumstances are sometimes a greater determinant than commonalities.

2009-08-12T20:16:00.000+08:00

End it soon, so all can start anew.

2009-08-09T00:07:00.000+08:00

Dear ankle,
PLEASE RECOVER BY MONDAY.

2009-08-08T17:41:00.000+08:00

And the angst ebbs and flows in periods, resembling the tides of waves.

I need to court the favour of Lady Luck once more.

DAMN.

2009-08-07T15:55:00.002+08:00

Just attended some NDP celebration at work, and somehow it's making me MISS SCHOOL A LOT.

Still remember the times where we sang the ndp songs freely and loudly and continuously.

HMM. nvm. maybe i can get ayc to do that!

NDP Songs

2009-08-05T23:47:00.002+08:00

This year's NDP Theme Song is terrible ><

But I was struck by the Electrico's insightful response to the mixed reviews - that even if their song is not well-received, at the very least it has provoked a national debate about the nature of NDP Theme Songs, and that through this discussion a better song might be produced next year.

Anyway, here are some of my favourite NDP songs:

FAVOURITE!

HAHA AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS

2009-08-02T21:18:00.000+08:00

We keep dreaming of having the things we think we truly deserve, when in fact we have already been blessed with many things we barely deserve.

Learn to appreciate.

A gale, a door, and a change

2009-07-31T09:10:00.013+08:00

A temporal gale swept past the landscape of my life, and its impassioned touch on the bleak and desolate scene that was has coaxed the verdant plethora to mushroom into life. I guess it's a lot like those special effects you always see on Disney, after a rainfall in a desert where the flora and fauna start to magically 'poop' into existence.

This week has been exciting thus far! It started with Monday when I went to play L4D with Den and Gloria, Marcus and Felly. Looking back, I'm quite amused at these first meetings with the scouties' girlfriends, because our choice of activities have never been conventional. It was fishing and kelong with Gloria, and killing zombies with Felly. haha I'm already looking forward to meeting the next girlfriend!

Tuesday was spent catching up with HouseD after a one-month hiatus. So now all the girls are officially or unofficially bound to a pact that originally only applied to Shi Hua, and I can't wait to see what happens when their first term is over (: On a side note, I'm also not sure what brought about this sudden curiosity about my past love interests, and I had to expertly finesse their questions for a while (reminds me of a Jiening-Lynette ambush a few months back ><). It was draining, to say the least. I guess I'm just not comfortable with talking about the fluffy past. In any case, being the nice HouseD mate that I am, I have promised to keep them abreast of future 'updates' (:

The past is a door I have turned my back on.

Wednesday had me tying up the loose ends for the AYC video. I never realised how exhausting it will be to work on a 2.5min Flash video animation on a weak laptop. Damn, I need my MacBook Pro. But yea, now it's left with the audio, which is another problem by itself.

It was cycling to Changi Beach on Thursday, and I saw Joseph with his army guys sitting on the grass along the way. 2 hours later, they were still there. They have my sympathies.

And today! Finally, the Friday Sports are back!

Alright, the unexciting account of my exciting half-week is finally done.

In our lives, there are experiences and occasions which change us in a profound way, but rarely do we have the opportunity to be conscious of the change. But when it does come, do savour it. It is a feeling like no other.

On Scholarship Bonds

2009-07-29T09:30:00.003+08:00

I just read this amazing article, Once Bonded, which is written by an ex-scholar on scholarship bonds. It is a highly recommended to anyone who is considering taking up scholarships. I can still remember desperately looking for a critical review on the aforementioned topic after As, and I'm glad one has surfaced even though it appeared long past my decision-making period. Even then, it's still an insightful read.

And after reading it, I become more convinced that the choice I made is the right one.

The purple that isn't

2009-07-28T08:37:00.004+08:00

Because I saw this written somewhere (and took it down) and thought it uncannily similar to some of the thoughts I have before.

And because it means something.

Life is like a mosaic that appears to be a harmonious image only when viewed from afar. Up close, you see more details and the picture gets patchier and less continuous. If you come even closer, it becomes obvious that the entire picture consist of countless little stones. Something that looked like a fold in a purple coat turns out to be a series of red and blue squares placed together in a wild pattern, blending into a single shimmering colour only from a distance. And if you lean in close so that the tip of your nose nearly touches the mosaic, the picture disappears altogether. Only its components, the iridescent little stones, fill your field of vision. It is no longer possible to figure out what they mean.
~vaguely remember the book being called something like 'the pulse of time'

Growing up

2009-07-27T01:25:00.004+08:00

Growing up means learning how to let go of your ideals one by one, and to accept things as they are.

That's what everyone thinks.

But what if growing up actually means searching for the singular ideal that will define your life?

We are not simply discarding our ideals; we are just looking for that something - that one thing - that will bring us love and happiness.

2009-07-26T21:20:00.001+08:00

pleasefindthis.blogspot.com is quite an interesting blog. do check it out!

They want me. I want you. And you want someone else. But none of us want to turn around.
~pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

2009-07-26T12:06:00.001+08:00

Deep down, I'm just another guy who gets tongue-tied when caught in those awkward situations.

Maybe things will get simpler.

Maybe.

2009-07-24T22:07:00.001+08:00

No more.

Just melancholy, and perhaps a touch of bittersweet.

The Street Lawyer

2009-07-24T09:37:00.004+08:00

As I lay on my bed reading John Grisham's 'The Street Lawyer', I began to question.

I began to question whether being a lawyer is what I really want to do. I start to think about the dreams and goals I have in life, and why I want to achieve them. Of course, thoughts of lighter density did surface as well – things like the potentially disastrous marriage pairings of lawyer-doctor and lawyer-lawyer, as provoked by the depictions in the story. I guess these are considerations that most of us (lawyers and doctors-to-be) have long acknowledged and understood, but somehow reading the book brought about a need for greater and deeper reflection.

Doctors have to place their patients before everyone and everything else – and that includes family and spouse. Lawyers have to place their clients before all else, if they are serious about being a lawyer. How do these pairings work out? What if, one day, one of the couple experiences the most traumatic experience of his or her life, only to be told that his or her spouse couldn't get away from work – well, you know, emergency operations or a boss with a bad day can certainly do that. As much as we try to be understanding towards one another, even patience has a limit. Can the relationship survive through the friction due to the couple's hectic lifestyles? Can the relationship survive with so little time spent with each other? I guess some may deride these concerns as pessimistic or narcistic, but a more thoughtful excavation of these questions will uncover the fact that all healthy relationships have to be selfish in some ways.

Regarding my future, I wonder if my social conscious would not be whittled down by the harsh and unforgiving grindstone that accompanies a lawyer's career. After all, a quintessential aspect of work includes billing hours (almost mercenarily) to charge clients with – and these are superficial counters we are talking about, which literally trade one's health for more wealth.

Of course, I can always look towards being the writer that I have always dreamed of becoming, but that bears even greater uncertainty.

Could I somehow find a balance between being a lawyer and leading a meaningful life? I am quite sure that there are lawyers out there who have done so, and I hope that if I were to become one in the future, I will not let this appetite for a meaningful outlook in life be consumed by a deleterious diet of materialism.

And the question remains: what do I want to do?

A swirl of thoughts

2009-07-21T13:39:00.017+08:00

Lately, life has stilled and thoughts have stalled, but the patterns and the swirls – they are still there. It would have made everything simpler if those things were decipherable, but I guess that's what life is all about, isn't it? If there were no mystery, there would be no intrigue. And I'm the kind of person who loves intrigue. So I shall strive on, and await the moment of epiphany. The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph! Wow, I sound like such a 'half-glass full' person.

Class outing at ECP was pretty fun, though I miss having Yijing, Lijian and Choon Wing around. Oh, and I just thought of an analogy to describe classmates and class! We are like bees - drifting away from the hive to pursue our own pollens and dreams. When an episode of our adventures is concluded, we return to our exclusive enclave and share stories of the things we have done and the things we have failed to do. In time, the nomadic spirit kicks up within us and we embark on our different journeys once more, armed with greater knowledge of the world, stronger friendships to rely on, and the quiet conviction that distance will make our hearts grow fonder. In fact, this can be applied to my other special groups of friends too (:

Conversations with classmates were unexpectedly weighty at times. One of them was on cynicism. haha it got quite funny at one point when I made a comment that intelligent people tend to be cynical, and, as a result, are pessimistic too. Immediately, a friend nearby enthusiastically claimed that she was full of cynicism and pessimism, thus she must be smart too!

Another topic was on love (surprise, surprise), or, more specifically, on whether love can last (eh, it wasn't me who started it). Immediately, there was a chorus of opinions on how love can NEVER last, leaving me marooned in this island of pessimism. True, I agree that passionate love, at least, is difficult to sustain (Note that the word is 'difficult' – it isn't 'impossible'). Yes, there will definitely be fatigue in the relationship: we will get tired of coming up with surprises, we will get tired of thinking of gifts, we will, truly, get very tired of planning for other meaningful activities with each other, and we may (cross your fingers) even get tired of one another. Yes, tell me all about it. But I also know – from personal experiences, from coming up with surprises after surprises and gifts after gifts for special friends, from planning get-togethers after get-togethers for cherished groups, and from thinking up spontaneous activities after activities – that it is possible to sustain such efforts, which does go a long way in exciting and deepening relationships. It is all about commitment (on your part) and cooperation (getting support from people around).

I guess the stage of passionate loving in a relationship is also frequently known as 'infatuation', and such a phenomenon surfaces because both parties are so intrigued by each other. I want to find out more about you; I want to understand your thoughts; I want to know what makes you feel sad or happy. It is this inherent desire to learn more about each other that makes this initial stage of a relationship the most exciting and unforgettable. In that case, it is true that after some time of knowing one another, the passion may fade... but that doesn't mean the relationship will become stagnant. It may not be passionate love, but it can still be exciting love! Slip a love poem into her pencil case when she's not aware; make up the most random excuses to bring her out; celebrate made-up days i.e. 'Today is the 279th-day-since-I-first-fell-in-love-with-you Day so here are 279 roses'; learn to cook her favourite dish; make a mixtape of her favourite songs and pass it to her outside her home at midnight... and the list goes on. How can anyone say that love can never last when there are such endless and enchanting possibilities?

Ok, maybe it's because I'm still 'evergreen' (haha go find out about the coloured lights from the NUS Union Camp, it's damn amusing) so I might not understand about the 'reality' of relationships. But I have always felt that it all boils down to choices. Impossible is just a big word small men tag to things too big for them. We just have to believe (with some blessings from Lady Luck) in it, and give the ideal a chance.

Finally, here is a very enlightening quote from Bruce Lee on love:

Love is like a friendship caught on fire.
In the beginning a flame,
Very pretty, often hot and fierce
But still only light and flickering.
As love grows older, our hearts mature
And our love becomes as coals,
Deep burning and unquenchable.

To end this post off, I would just like to say one thing:
I would rather be a hopeful fool of love, than a hopeless cynic of love.
And I hope that, given the same choices, you would choose to be the same. (:

Dream On - Preview

2009-07-16T23:06:00.004+08:00

After days of hardwork, I present to you... 'Dream On'!

Really like this template a lot. Spent a lot of time just thinking about how to distill some of the things that make me me onto a template, and I think 'Dream On' captures them very well :D

It's still incomplete though - can probably wrap up the loose ends and finish the coding part by this weekend.

Btw, if you happen to notice the 'Powered by Tumblr' at the bottom of the preview, it's because I will be changing host from Blogger to Tumblr soon. Tumblr has quite a few cool functions, and, more importantly, it is more code-friendly! Yup, just serving an advance notice.

Anyway, let me know what you think! Good, bad, and the ugly - all comments are welcomed (:

Our Story

2009-07-15T20:03:00.002+08:00

A common history will allow us to know a person, but it will not help us understand him or her. For that to happen, there has to be an exchange of narratives.

Deep down inside, everyone understands this. We understand that a person we have known for many years, even if it's for our entire lives, may remain a stranger to us. We understand that a relationship is not about how much time we have spent together, but rather it is about how much of our life story we have shared. We also understand that when it comes to getting to know a person, time and commitment can never substitute for providence and chemistry.

We understand all these things, but yet we remain rooted to the spot, immobilized by the trappings of society's standards and perceived beliefs. We remain complacent by our common history and, after some time, stopped sharing stories of our lives. We allow our relationship to be dictated by society's 'invisible hand' instead of our own hearts and minds.

Just look: Popular culture champions the notion that a guy who talks to a girl frequently and looks into her eyes when speaking is interested in her. Yet, most of the time it could be an interest to become better friends or simply basic courtesy or a combination of both. Somehow, somewhere along a crooked line of our lives, reel has become real, and because of this, we let something creep between us and the common space we used to share is no longer.

Even so, it's not too late. In fact, nothing is ever 'too late'. I have always thought that the phrase 'too late' suffers undeserved abuse by people. From words describing situations that ran out of possibilities, this phrase has now become a well-worn excuse that people use carelessly to apply to any other situation.

But back to my point that it's not too late. It's not too late, because as long as we are aware of the change we can make to a wayward friendship just by simple actions, as long as we are aware of the boundless possibilities that await every dormant relationship and are willing to step out of our comfort zone, we can still change the ending of our story. We can still make a difference, by sharing our stories. It doesn't have to be Romeo and Juliet (ok, bad example - forget about the romance part), it can still become a fairytale of our choice.

Think about the people who used to be able to light up your day with just a smile, or lift the burden in your heart by lifting your hand. Think about how things have fallen apart, but keep faith that things can fall back into shape. Think about these things and forget about the worries, fears and anxieties.

It's time to bring these cherished people back into the plot.
Let's do so by bringing them to the page where the story of our lives is unfolding.

Wait For Me

2009-07-12T22:19:00.001+08:00

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

[Bridge:]
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

2009-07-12T21:34:00.002+08:00

You know, there are so many things I really, really want to do.

But sometimes, I just want to forget about everything and feel the texture of time through my fingers.

Is it procrastination?

Or is it something else?

And then, there are times when I can get so excited about everything, and wish for that moment to become a never-ending continuum.

Is it wishful thinking?

Or is it something else.

the old and the new

2009-07-11T08:21:00.002+08:00

Work has started for my new template! It's actually quite exciting haha

Anyway, I found a treasure trove of my old templates recently. It's actually quite interesting to deconstruct the perspectives, thoughts and ideas that used to make up my self and identity. After all, every new template is often a manifestation of contemporary inspiration and desired expression.

Alright, shall have a mini 'hall of fame' when my latest is done!

Think Long-Term

2009-07-10T14:42:00.003+08:00

If we ask a kid, “What are you doing?” the response you will get is something like “playing”, “reading”, “watching TV”, etc. The time horizon for kids is very short. If we ask “What do you do in school?” again the response will be about what they will do on that particular day in the school.

When we grow up, unfortunately (for most of us) the time horizons don’t extend very far. When we ask, “What do you do?” to someone, most often the response will be related to their job and their role in the company. Very rarely, will you hear a passionate answer about how someone is going to change the world. Very rarely will you hear an answer that will cover the time horizon of a lifetime.

I continue to believe that we are becoming a world of “short-term thinkers”. My good friend Vallal told me a few months ago that “we overestimate what we can achieve in a day and we underestimate what we can achieve in a year”. This is so true. Take a look at some of your daily “to-do” lists. Very rarely will you check off everything you planned to do that day. Now take a look at your annual plan (if you don’t have one, please create one right way) and see if that’s the best you can do in a year. You will be amazed at what all you can pack in a year with some discipline and commitment.

We can distinguish ourselves just by refusing to give in to the temptation of “short-term results”. Next time, when someone asks “what do you do?” think of your lifetime as the time horizon and try to answer the question. Again, if you have not thought this through, please don’t try to answer this question in the next few minutes (short-term) as it may take awhile to figure this out (long-term).

Rajesh Setty

2009-07-07T10:07:00.003+08:00

Man is often found wistful - wishing for the hopeful future to become a harmonious conception of regretful pasts. Everyone lives through life carrying an ever-enlarging baggage of regrets, and for every opportune occasion which we let go, it will only get heavier. Regrets and failures can be seen as brethren terms, for regret often follows after failure.

Failure, as I see it, is the lack of courage to do something you actually want.

And is it not true that life is not about how many successes we have achieved, but, rather, it is about how few failures we have committed?

OCS ++

2009-07-06T10:31:00.005+08:00

Visiting the OCS guys was an interesting experience. In summary...
Nette was late (confirm overslept); Ye Wei and his magnetic studs; the mirror that makes reflections look slim, which got Mandy and Jiening REALLY excited; Cheo and Ngiam looking like Rapunzels as they could only talk to us through tiny, prison-like windows; met Jean and caught up for a while; met other depressed boys shuffling through their time in NS.

Had Japanese cuisine for lunch with Jiening, Nette and Yelin, though my choice of Black Pepper Teriyaki Chicken set could hardly be called Japanese. Anyway, we flitted through different topics in our conversation as a butterfly would - in a sporadic and unpredictable manner. Of course, the theme of relationships inevitably predominated the conversation for a while since the girls are about to enter the next phase of education, which also coincides with the phase whereby it is likely that The Love Of Their Lives might be chanced upon!

(Actually, I just grabbed some random photos.)
After that, we shared with Yelin the crazy, stupid and hilarious stuff we did back in J2 while trying to study for the As. Looking back, that period was really one of the most memorable moments of that year. I can still remember how nice it was to see the same few faces every day as my legs took me along the familiar path to the Council Room; or the time when Mandy brought her laptop and we decided to make a talk show of sorts; or the wonderful nights where we would share those stories about ourselves and feel the spell of familiarity and intimacy weaving us closer; or the comical creation of the Cok Family; and the many other magical moments. Yelin also told us about the activities his group of friends engaged in during those mugging periods, playing stuff like Royal Rumble (damn amusing, seriously) and shooting one another with ice using straws.

The conversation took on a more reflective tone when we talked about the friends we used to be really close to, and of how the unforgiving passage of time have shredded away those treasured ties so easily - leaving behind a shadow of what those relationships used to be, leaving behind shadows of our memory.

Oh well, let's not feel so sad about it. There is a season for all things, and where our relationship used to be bright and sunny like the summer, winter would eventually come to pass. But let's just be positive and view the approaching chill as a reflective period that will help us appreciate the warmth of the sun better.

Friends are like wine

2009-07-02T14:24:00.006+08:00

Wine by ~nigelt on DeviantArt

Are dreams a medium through which the avoided truth confronts us? Or are they simply a manifestation of our subconscious desires? Recently, I have been experiencing these vivid dreams that linger in my memory long after being awake. What is more surprising is the believability of the dreams – which, I would think, is uncommon since dreams are characteristically abstract, convoluted and incoherent. They seem so real that I could actually believe these incidents to have happened. Perhaps our dreams are, in fact, somewhat linked to our hearts. But this theory is only loosely supported by patches of personal experiences – for these wholesome dreamscapes seem to occur in greater frequency when the heart is involuntary plunged into an unexpected anarchy.

Anyway, I came across a sad but reflective quote and thought to share it:

The loss of friends is a tax on age!
Ninon de Lenclos

It may be a little dramatic, but sometimes it does feel as if growing up has this enfeebling effect on friendships that are based on incomplete foundations. While we were in school, it was easy to believe that friendships last forever – or at least for the friends who you have been fortunate enough to share a large fraction of your time with. After all, the frequency of meetings (I still remember the spontaneous greetings across the canteen, along the corridor and even while running on the track!) with one another, coupled with what feel like a continuous stream of outings, enforced the belief that this cloak of invincibility which we have wrapped snugly around our friendships could easily weather through the unforgiving terrains and unpredictable elements of life.

Yet, as we progress in life, ideals eventually become tempered by realities. Disappointment after disappointment only succeed in picking apart the stitches of picturesque memories that once aligned with one another to form those cherished and special embroideries, whose velvet touch would easily infuse in us a kind of warmth and happiness unlike any other.

I think of myself as an idealist, and I guess I am lucky that the ideals I live by have yet to evaporate completely under the merciless heat of the vicissitudes in life. Even so, I am no longer the wide-eyed, naive boy I used to be, who (actually) believed that God would grant me my One True Love if I prayed really hard (lol, don’t remind me). In addition, shifting priorities accompany the process of growing up, and where I used to appreciate fun in company more, I now prefer quality in understanding. Of course, I still like hanging out with friends, which is why I do not stop organising spontaneous gatherings. It is just that once you have realised what you really need, the things you want seem to matter less and become less rewarding.

In any case, to conclude this post, here’s a thought on friendship:

Friends are like wine – some turn into vinegar, but the best improves with age.

Now or Never

2009-06-28T02:38:00.003+08:00

I think it was a great idea to get all the 27ths to meet up once more before everyone gets dispersed. Leisure cycling, scintillating frisbee games, spontaneous activities as well as the trek-to-the-last-train-back made the day! Alright, here are some random thoughts of the day.

#1: Frisbee
Playing frisbee made me realise how much I miss the sport. Scouties prefer soccer, so it's rare to get to play a game or two. I will definitely join frisbee in two years' time! I really can't wait to attend school again.

#2: Growing Up
Little chats with various people made me realise how soon we will each become a smaller fraction of one another's life. Paradoxically, the same conversations also made me realise how fast we will soon grow up and take a bigger stake in worldly affairs. Already, topics on marriage and what we wish to do in life seem to be cropping up in greater frequency.

But I am really curious to find out how we would change and become 'adults' - how we could banish the childlike spirits within us and shed the skin of spontaneity that make being youths so enjoyable. I can't imagine a me, in five years' time, who would avoid making incoherent comments, who would stop engaging in spontaneous games (like the childhood games we played today!), or who would not be silly in the company of good friends. Will the Thief, who steals one's vitality and vigour, also take away the boy in me?

And oh, I can still remember telling this to my friends: When I grow up, I want to be a little boy!

#3: Love
The 'now or never; now or nurses' joke among the doctors-to-be friends of mine triggered this talk of marriage between Sean and I. I really want to attend an intra-council marriage! I can't imagine how awesome it would be. Of course, such incendiary topics naturally led to the equally provocative thoughts of The Other One. Who would you go for? What do you look out for in a girl? What will make you go all out and get her? haha I get quite amused when friends tell me how impossible it is to find my 'ideal' girl.

In reality, I never really thought much about those lists of qualities that I might have mentioned at some point or another in reply to questions. It's really the intangible connection between us and the innate curiosity about her that matters most, I think. Of course, it would be a bonus if she were sporty, spontaneous, fun and witty!

Ah well, I feel like I'm rambling on and on about inane stuff. It's crazily late and I'm crazily tired from all the activities today. That could be why I'm writing so much in the first place - for I have decided to stop blogging those long-winded thoughts of mine in lieu of packaging them into succinct words or sentences that tend to resonate better with the frequency of my thoughts.

Friendships, cobweb; Love, mystery; Dynamics, confusing; Old, underwhelmed; New, fascinating; Past, left; Choices, right.

A blossoming friendship without the bud of romance; blessings.

Seasons (Part I)

2009-06-22T12:10:00.007+08:00

I guess I'm feeling a little lazy to blog about my thoughts these days. Most of the micro-ideas that surface sporadically have been relegated to the useful Twitter account, whereas confessions of the heart are usually penned down. But from time to time, a strand of thought would rise to prominence and assume sovereignty over my kingdom of thoughts. With a binding obligation to chronicle the deeds of His Majesty, the lowly scribe that I am can but only obey.

Well, first things first - this tyrant of thought is about the seasons. The 'season' I'm talking about, as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is the 'suitable or natural time or occasion'. It is NOT the four seasons many of us are well-acquainted with.

This theme of idea has been threading through my mind quite frequently in recent days, weaving both simple and complex designs on the embroidery of my thoughts. I remember once an occasion where I got irritated by someone, and the following train of thought sped past the tracks of my mind: Zz respect the seasons in a person!

Just as certain countries have four seasons, there exist within every individual disparate seasons too. Understanding the seasons in a person is the key to understanding him or her. For example, certain people work best when the seasons within them are adhered to - hurrying them to complete various tasks may potentially cause a backlash. Others may require someone to push themselves past their 'winter' into 'spring' to be at their best. Some may be unexpectedly pleasant at certain timings, whereas others will be unnecessarily nasty at specific occasions.

In fact, I just thought of a better example to illustrate this! Girls. They have a common season in them which recurs monthly - a ghastly period (pun unintended) where guys should wisely be on their best behaviours so as to avoid triggering a bloodbath on themselves...

Most of us probably have an instinctive understanding of this lodged somewhere in the recesses of our minds, but many of us have failed to acknowledge and apply it. Perhaps using 'seasons' as an illustration might help bring this knowledge to the fore, perhaps not. In any case, in understanding a person, it is always good to understand the seasons within them; When will doing this make him more motivated? When will giving her this make her more happy? When will I get into trouble with him or her for doing that?

Learn about and respect the seasons in a person, and you may just find your friendship becoming a more seasoned one (:

Waiting for the ripe season; looking for the right reason.

Twitter

2009-06-19T09:14:00.003+08:00

Hmm I'm starting a Twitter account!

Let me know if you're twittering too (:

User = unickque

2009-06-19T00:54:00.001+08:00

It's often too easy to get disappointed about the state of affairs.

Sometimes, we should just shelve it away and be reminded about the things that went right instead.

AYCTC '09

2009-06-17T09:44:00.007+08:00

In sports, players often experience an indescribable and often intangible phenomenon that will shift the momentum of the game either in or against their favour. In a parallel vein, AYC Training Camp '09 is much like that invisible force, injecting into the team a much-needed dose of hope and optimism that is enforced by a renewed sense of solidarity.

There are many things which made AYCTC'09 such a memorable experience, but if I have to name one event which stood out among the rest, it will definitely have to be the 2nd night's stayover in the office! haha I shan't go into too much details because I always find that words, while excellent for sharing disparate moments, fail miserably in exporting the continuous frames of experiences to others. It's like trying to tell someone about a movie with a picture!

In any case, these are the moments that made AYCTC'09 one of my favourite experiences all time!

Stayover in the office Pizzas, drinks, and lots and lots of fun
"Darling, you can have one" Super hilarious
"As we walk" Hop, fly, bob, shiver, jump and more!
Singing songs :D
RJ Dances :D :D
Spin the bottle and dance This is spontaneity at its best
2am discussions Apple Youth Convention, 555, secret menus, OGLs, two-prong, etc... we survived without coffee!
Sleep HAHA Lynette and Sophia pulling the blankets away from YY ;)
Scandalous juniors... Self-explanatory (:
Cheering competitions VS was impressive, Cedar was super enthu, RJ was just plain cool haha
Dinner at Thaipan We spotted something interesting! Cheo joined us and we had Chinese-styled dinner, ordering dishes and all that. Great company (:
And yea, these only make up the tip of the iceberg!

Anyway, during the training camp, this quote came to mind:

Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds a man down or polishes him up depends on the stuff he's made of.

- Josh Billings

It popped into my mind during the late night discussion on AYC issues. As we spoke honestly about the difficult road ahead and explored ways of making the journey less arduous for the Facils, SLOs and even the OT, I can't help but feel so proud of my friends there and then. It is not often that you encounter such a difficult function to plan that has, at the same time, such remarkable individuals at the helm.

All in all, I am very glad to be part of AYC (: haha and from my experiences at AYC thus far, I have been inspired to come up with this little quote on friendship:

A friend is someone who brings to life the mirages that you see and opens up the oasis in your heart when life looks to be an unbearable desert.

Pictures to come soon!

2009-06-15T22:34:00.004+08:00

Just came back from the most remarkable and amazing event of the year, AYCTC'09!

Last night was easily one of the most memorable experiences EVER (:

Light it up

2009-06-11T10:46:00.002+08:00

There is a same difference in a person before and after he is in love as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning. The lamp was there and it was a good lamp, but now it is shedding light too, and that is its real function.

- Vincent Van Gogh

3am

2009-06-11T02:42:00.006+08:00

haha I always thought that it'd be damn exciting and intriguing to have a constant friend I can call at ~3am to talk about my spontaneous thoughts and unpredictable philosophies! Conversations at such unearthly hours have this unworldly and fascinating quality in them, and they are cherished above all else.

I wonder, does the acerbity of human nature become blunted in twilight, which somehow also serve to draw forth the honesty in us? Honesty in relationships, in my opinion, is undeniable a catalyst - yet the irony is that its abundance in nature isn't reflected in reality. Perhaps it's just like that - life is just meant to be a series of irresolvable mysteries. But I also believe that these quests for answers, while fruitless, never fail to make life more interesting!

Anyway, it's been a while since I've had those looooooooong and memorable chats with friends. Time to revive those mini-outings! haha big groups are great company for entertainment and amusement, but it's always the outings with smaller groups of friends that I will remember most (:

10 Promises To My NSF

2009-06-09T11:13:00.004+08:00

After watching 10 Promises To My Dog, I got inspired to do a spin-off!

10 Promises To My Dog (Original)
1) Listen patiently to what I have to say.
2) Trust me, for I am always on your side.
3) Play with me a lot.
4) Don’t forget that I have feelings too.
5) Let’s never fight, ‘Cause someday, I’ll be big enough to win.
6) If I don’t obey you, I have a good reason.
7) You have school, and friends. But as for me, I only have you.
8) Stay my best friend even when I’m old.
9) I’ll only live about ten years, so let’s make every moment count.
10) I’ll never forget our life together. So when my time comes, please be by my side.

10 Promises To My NSF (For Girls)
1) Listen patiently to what I have to say (it will be lights out soon!).
2) Trust me, army life is sometimes worse than giving birth.
3) Talk to me a lot.
4) Don’t forget that soldiers have feelings too.
5) Let’s never fight (somehow girls always win).
6) If I don’t reply your SMS, I always have a good reason.
7) You have school, and friends. But as for me, I only have you (and NS guys).
8) Stay my friend always (even when I'm in my smelly uniform).
9) NS is freaking 2 years! So let's make every moment count.
10) I’ll never forget the times we meet up on the weekends. So when I ORD, I hope you'll be there too.

haha the guys really have it tough, so girls should try to be understanding yea? (:

The Kelong Adventure!

2009-06-07T16:31:00.001+08:00

Friendships and Fireflies

2009-06-05T12:33:00.004+08:00

I was sitting in front of my desk reading the newspaper I was supposed to analyze, but the words didn't register! It feels like my brain is fogged. So I tried to listen to fast-paced music... but that didn't work (because snapping, my best antidote to the Z-monster, will be too noisy in the office). In the end, I smsed friends to seek a cure for this chronic illness... BUT THEY REPLY DAMN LATE. LIKE A FEW HOURS LATER! Hence, during this pocket of wakelessness (is there such a word?), my mind wandered around and chanced upon a thought on friendship (:

Alright, have you ever experienced this sudden closeness to a friend, only to find it fading away before it returned once more?

It makes me wonder about the dynamics of friendship. Actually, let me qualify that friendships, in this case, refer to relationships between good friends (as opposed to ordinary friends and close friends). From this, I find that there are striking parallels to be drawn between friendships and fireflies. Let me explain.

Friendships are like fireflies. (haha I almost typed 'butterflies'). When a firefly meets another firefly and find that there is mutual attraction, they glow. However, as much as we want this glow to last forever, the reality is that it cannot be sustained. Thus, we find that there are times when the light dims and fades away, only to return to its original brightness again.

Another interesting point to note is that such friendships are fleeting and short-lived, much like the lifespan of a firefly. These friends either move on to become your close friends, or they gradually retreat to the periphery of your life. They may perhaps surface onto your consciousness from time to time, but a return to the peak of your friendship is usually unlikely. I often feel that missed opportunities ferment the yeast of regret. Just as a firefly only has one chance to glow its brightest during its fleeting lifespan, friendships are like that too.

haha ok gotta rush down to my handball practice! Shall polish up the 'firefly' theory another time.

The part of life we really live is small

2009-06-04T11:12:00.005+08:00

haha I think that's the most appropriate title for this post.

After learning the great arts of Mahjong during the kelong trip, I have been gripped by this fervour to hone my skills in it - which thus translates to time spent on Viwawa. My username is unickque so add me if you're on it too (:

Other than that, I have recently revived my interest in the online turn-based text game, The Reincarnation. Basically, you're a mage who has control over a kingdom, and your task is to rise up as far as you can before the end of Armageddon. It's a strategy game which requires quite a bit of calculations if you're playing it more seriously, but casual gamers will find the interface and gameplay equally gripping - if they're fans of fantasy and make-believe creatures.

Apart from these gaming endeavours, I am still working on the AYC website, which requires several changes for uniformity purposes. Actually, on this note, I'm considering going freelance as a webdesigner, so I will probably start working on my portfolio soon. haha if you know of someone who needs such services, please let me know!

And to further enhance the flavour of my life, I have decided to find a course to take up. Haven't decided on the specific subject of interest yet though - it could be learning French, taking up Psychology, upgrading my programming skills or something more adventurous like rock-climbing! Quite exciting, huh?

Finally, here's an insightful excerpt from an article I'm reading:

Why do we complain of Nature? She has shown herself kindly; life, if you know how to use it, is long. But one man is possessed by an avarice that is insatiable, another by a toilsome devotion to tasks that are useless; one man is besotted with wine, another is paralyzed by sloth; one man is exhausted by an ambition that always hangs upon the decision of others, another, driven on by the greed of the trader, is led over all lands and all seas by the hope of gain; some are tormented by a passion for war and are always either bent upon inflicting danger upon others or concerned about their own; some there are who are worn out by voluntary servitude in a thankless attendance upon the great; many are kept busy either in the pursuit of other men's fortune or in complaining of their own; many, following no fixed aim, shifting and inconstant and dissatisfied, are plunged by their fickleness into plans that are ever new; some have no fixed principle by which to direct their course, but Fate takes them unawares while they loll and yawn—so surely does it happen that I cannot doubt the truth of that utterance which the greatest of poets delivered with all the seeming of an oracle: "The part of life we really live is small." For all the rest of existence is not life, but merely time.

We often speak of quality over quantity, but understanding and practising it are two separate issues, separated by that thin line of reality.

A Council Channel

2009-06-01T10:56:00.005+08:00

I got this random brainwave last night.

I was just using IRC for gaming purposes when it hit me - that it would be pretty interesting if a channel could be set up for a group of friends, which, in this case, can be the councillors!

What's the difference between using IRC and MSN? After all, we can always communicate with one another on MSN or similar chat programs like Gchat, right?

Well, not really. I would say that MSN is to toilet cubicles what IRC is to bathhouses. haha think of it this way and the contrast is instructive - with the former being more personal and the latter being more inclusive/open.

So what? Why should IRC be used anyway?

As I allow the idea to simmer in a frying pan of thoughts, I realise that the IRC channel will serve as an excellent platform for the 27ths to gather and have spontaneous chitchats online! It can be thought of as a digital council room of sorts, where random 27ths can enter the channel at unexpected times and hold conversations with varied individuals. With this, it might even be possible to experience the nostalgic scent of Singaporean food, the enchanting sight of snowfall and the bittersweet taste of life abroad all at once - through the portrait of words as depicted by friends, of course.

Apart from encouraging streams of conversations which might otherwise be blocked by boulders of awkwardness that so often accompany talking to the 27ths you don't usually talk to but wish to know more about, it will also keep everyone more closely wired to one another's deviant lives. Dropping by the US next month? Let the US people know about it, and perhaps a quick gathering of 27ths can be organised! Intending to go over to the UK for a short vacation? Ask around to find out the best places to visit!

The possibilities that the council channel engender appear to be endless. Essentially, if the idea does materialise, it will depend a lot on the willingness of 27ths to learn to use IRC as well as the frequency of usage. It is always easier to draw up the blueprints of ideas, but bringing them into realisation is a different task altogether.

Hmm... I think I will start asking around first to sound out opinions with regards to this mini project (: If you happen to be a 27th read this, let me know what you think about it!

RESTART!

2009-05-30T19:28:00.004+08:00

:D I can 't begin to describe how fantastic the trip was. I shall probably reveal more when Gloria and Marcus have uploaded the photos. The 3 days (actually, it's more like 2 days) of disconnection from EVERYTHING except fishing, friends and fun were full of exciting stuff, like learning how to play mahjong (YES I KNOW HOW TO COUNT 'TAI'S), taking the banana boat (it's seriously the most thrilling activity), and talking about love, life and the universe under the starry sky!

Just came back from an interesting meeting with the AYC J3s. It was good that we let one another know what our anxieties and hopes for AYC are at this critical stage (: And we need more bonding activities man! haha trying to organise some mahjong/pomelo/bridge game session after next week's GM.

Alright, so everything looks to be looking up. And with many friends about to fly off, it's time to spam more outings to... hmmm... how do I say it... renew friendship vows? haha yea, it's time to meet up more often to RENEW FRIENDSHIP VOWS!

Hmmm I wonder what Jiening's new haircut looks like.

Ripples in the lake

2009-05-25T23:12:00.001+08:00

Wow. For the first time in a very long time, I come to work on a Monday morning feeling energised and purposeful. It's as if an internal engine that has been sputtering at sporadic intervals has suddenly been replaced by a brand new one. The things that have been bothering me seem so trivial in retrospect, and my mind seems to be gifted with unexpected clairvoyance.

It's as if the wan phoenix has burst into its finale of flames, leaving in its fiery wake an egg pulsating with life and eagerness.

The air you breathe in begins to clear a path across the riotous landscape of your soul, threading a common theme of purpose through disparate ideals while synchronising disembodied beliefs; your eyes stop becoming bothered by the irritants of hopeful futures and regretful pasts, and instead start noticing the quiet appeal of present peripheries; your fist tightens, and the hard, cool touch of destiny presses against your palm, reminding you of the enchanting possibilities within and without you. And then you realise that the smile inside is worth more than the thousand other smiles that you have smiled.

I think we human beings have an unhealthy preoccupation with 'what if's and other wayward scenarios, thinking, regretting and then despairing over the choices that we should have made or that we could have made to make things go our way. And because of that, we often overlook the gift that has been there in front of us all along.

That gift is the gift of friendship; the gift of memories past.

We forget about how lucky we are to have shared those smiles under the stars;
we forgot about how lucky we are to have been there for one another when it mattered;
we forgot about how lucky we are to have touched one another's life;
we forgot about how lucky we are to have been where we have been.

It is enough that we share the stars (:

And may this droplet be the first of many to come.

A bottle of thoughts

2009-05-24T00:25:00.005+08:00

Of fresh, green blood
27-28-29 BB gathering. haha makes me feel just a little tad older, but it was nice seeing new faces, knowing that they will soon be having the time of their lives. Highlight of the gathering must certainly be Ye Wei and Wanjoo singing 'Lucky' together at the Cathay Ben & Jerry outlet!

Of melancholic tunes
On an entirely different note, I always get these melancholic sentiments when listening to love songs. Perhaps love songs are actually abstract works of art: drawing the outlines of futures that could have been with pieces of charcoal that run out eventually, much like the short-lived hopes and constricted dreams that make up our everyday lives, the artist conveys his feelings through the hues of missed opportunities and pastels of past regrets. It is never easy when you know of something that you want, but can never have. Hey, but it's NOT just like that! (looks at a certain somebody) Man wields his own destiny k =P

Of checkered plans
DAMNNNNNN. I really need to concentrate and get it done. It could be the start of something new, to this technicolour life of mine.

Of bandung
Out of sight, out of mind. Let me not be denied this bittersweet blessing.

Of lifeless life
I need to know that I'm leaving something behind that I can recall fondly of in years to come, and not live each day in meaningless routines.

Of the smile that has been dressed up
You may not know it, but that episode of my life is an embedded thorn in the heart that I wish to be reminded less of.

AWAY!

2009-05-20T20:10:00.002+08:00

OFF TO AN ADVENTURE NEXT WEEK! CAN'T WAIT!!

Now, I need to find people to teach me mahjong over the weekend. DAMN URGENT!

Can someone organise a mahjong sleepover or something? Or free up their Sunday, and we can all gather to teach me the basics? :D

My 'Jiemei's

2009-05-18T14:40:00.008+08:00

Last week was quite eventful!

Wednesday night was spent with the HouseD girls at an Italian restaurant called Ricciotti. I'm always amused at how our conversations seem to gain a life of their own - taking us from one topic to another like bees pollinating flowers in their characteristic sporadic fashion. Often, other than a few fascinating (and often hilarious) themes like Anna's "四个女的，一个男的" to her mum or the girls' discussion on how best to torture me when I let them meet my future girlfriend, I don't remember much of what we talk about. Rather, what I recall is a warm, incandescent quality that makes the memory feel somewhat special (:

Thursday night meeting with Mandy and Wanjoo turned out to be quite entertaining! It's funny how our attempts at serious discussion always get diverted to fluffier fields of conversations. Like how good-looking Zac Efron and Vivian Dawson are or how P&T make such a cute 27th couple. There were many other interesting stuff we did and talked about, but since most of them are hedged upon a promise of ABSOLUTE SECRECY, it's better if they were savoured in thought xD

Friday rocks! Had a great time relaxing in the morning before meeting some BB27ths to start baking Anna's cake in the afternoon. Lazy to write anymore so here's a string of words that echo the collective essence of our eventful adventures: Chocolate-whisky cake, hairdye instruction manual, Bluff/Bridge, pasta and fries, botched surprise, Titanic, P.S. I Love You, I Never, Speed, Sabby and her Tudou. lol, it was our first sleepover that we actually stayed awake throughout! What an achievement man :D

That's about it. Weekends were restful and sedentary. Life resumes its lackadaisical pace. Work is boring as ever. Monday's blues are as prevalent. Everytime I enter the doorway of my office, I feel like I have entered a different temporal field as time seems to slow down here. AND I have this vague suspicion that the air in the office is actually some sort of fossilising agent! I always feel stiff and mummified after work ><

Life is damn monotonous... I seek more colours in the rainbow of my life.

The first time we met

2009-05-14T12:09:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I get surprised by the spontaneity of my thoughts.

In fact, if I were not me, I would think that the link between each species of thoughts is so invisible and ungraspable that others would not be able to understand how I arrived at it. Ah ha, that could be why my friends sometimes stamp the label of 'no-link' on certain insightful revelations or unique correlation that I try to share!

My mind, I think, is like a shape-changing cauldron in which multiple unidentified chemicals are interacting, and the solid bubbles and colourful scents that arise from the mix are my thoughts.

Anyway, I just happened to chance upon one of these bubbles of thoughts, and it is about the first memory we have of our friends.

With Yijing, it was when he used 'elucidate' and other cheem words during PW lesson while trying to summarize some text, which obviously got the whole class laughing.
With Giraffe, it was when SAND first met SAY and we started doing random stuff like singing songs.
With Hwee Leong, it was during Council Orientation (in J2) where we suddenly linked arms together and started forming a line (damn random!).
With Sarah, it was when she said 'hi' to me in the canteen while I was walking to the PE block (but at that time I didn't know her yet), and my friend turned to ask me who that 'cheerful girl' was.
With Wanjoo, it was at ODAC kayaking expedition where she was telling me some lame jokes about 'butter' and 'constipation'.

And there are a lot more random memories of random people that surface from time to time, often in surprising clarity and detail. This reminds me of a quote I saw before:

Memory is a crazy woman who hoards colored rags and throws away food.

- Austin O'Malley

So true, eh?

Looking back, it's been almost 2 years since I've made these 'new' friends. It's truly amazing how things have changed so much and so fast.

I hope it would be the same when I get to NUS Law as it was for Council. Because right now, I don't seem to know a single guy who is going to be my classmate in 2 years' time.

Hmm... but I truly believe that all roads lead to happiness and love.

I just have to find the shortest route.

Politics and the English Language

2009-05-12T09:30:00.007+08:00

If there is one article that will make an marked improvement in your use of the English language (or at least inspire a distinct difference in the way you approach the world's most widely-used language), then this is it: Politics and the English Language by George Orwell (author of Animal Farm and 1984).

Orwell: Politics and the English Language

The article explores the degradation of the English language as a result of being the tool of politics, and on how modern usage tends to be dressed in ambiguity. I guess it could be an intentional effect - after all, politicians prefer their plans to be veiled so that a malleable defence can be mounted easily to repel confrontations on sensitive issues.

How has politics polluted the soul of the English language? Orwell shares this insightful and amusing observation.

Consider for instance some comfortable English professor defending Russian totalitarianism. He cannot say outright, "I believe in killing off your opponents when you can get good results by doing so." Probably, therefore, he will say something like this:

While freely conceding that the Soviet regime exhibits certain features which the humanitarian may be inclined to deplore, we must, I think, agree that a certain curtailment of the right to political opposition is an unavoidable concomitant of transitional periods, and that the rigors which the Russian people have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement.

The article also exposes several faults that seem to be ingrained in today's writers. In fact, these are the weaknesses that many of us succumb to frequently, and becoming more aware of these deficits will, hopefully, plant a linguistic sentinel in us who will help correct and prevent future mistakes.

Even then, when I think of those tedious History and GP essays that have to be written, as well as the expectations of teachers (in school and abroad) towards certain forms of writing, I can't help but feel that these flaws will remain a perennial feature of academic writing.

After all, the main goal of essay writing in pre-university level is to convince the marker that you are a structured, discerning and nuanced thinker. We don't have to write well to be able to do that, and many of us know that as well. All we have to do is to plug phrases into our essays that make us look like we are the kind of writer that they are looking for. Bad English writing can be compared to a cult, and when everyone is part of this fraternity, the ones who stand out may instead be ostracised. Of course, content plays an important role too, but you get what I mean.

In any case, do give the article a read! It isn't a very long article, and it contains several gems of thought worth refining over in our minds.

And I shall make every moment count (:

Time and Chance

2009-05-11T00:07:00.003+08:00

I returned, and saw under the sun,
That the race is not to the swift,
Nor the battle to the strong,
Neither yet bread to the wise,
Nor yet riches to men of understanding,
Nor yet favour to men of skill;
But time and chance happeneth to them all.

- Ecclesiastes 9:11

It's unfortunate and sad.

To these friends...
If you need someone to tell you the right thing to do, let me be that voice.
If you need someone to listen to your hollowed heart, let me lend you an ear.
If you need someone to be there for you, let me share my company.
If you need someone to refine your appeal, let me take on that role.

Because if it were up to me, I would take it all away and grant you what you want.

2009-05-09T19:21:00.001+08:00

And I've done it.

I have rejected, and I have accepted.

Now it's time to move on.

There is no love without hate, no hope without despair.

A melee of thoughts

2009-05-08T09:31:00.007+08:00

It is easy to lose yourself to the whirlwind of activities. The currents of kaleidoscopic outings, pretty conversations and absorbing gameplay in the past few days have swept away strays of thoughts, and this comfortable sense of busy-ness has settled me somewhat. The shadow of confusion that has been a constant companion in recent weeks seems paler in the light of redefined priorities and newly-set goals.

I was, in fact, quite frustrated over the 'rhythm of my life' (as Siang Huat likes to call it), or lack thereof. Even with spontaneous gatherings with old friends, AYC, work and other miscellaneous stuff, they were not enough to fill the vacuum of purpose that I have been feeling for a while now. I wanted something I can leash my routine on for the next two years, something that is challenging, entertaining and enjoyable. And I'm still looking for that.

CHINESE CHESS. I have this urge to play CChess again! Maybe I should look for old men at community centres and void decks, and pit my skills against them. It works both ways - I get to enjoy playing while the old dudes get a whiff of fresh insights from a teen :D Oh well, I always have these flashes of ideas, many of which turned out to be transient in nature. I can still recall my attempts at learning Latin, my desire to master swiftboarding (I even spent $88 on the swift board!), and the inspiration to learn cooking! In any case, I have a feeling that if I can find a partner to play CChess with on a frequent basis, this will turn out to be one of my more successful 'sudden wants', like the time I got hooked onto designing websites, from which I glimpsed certain skills in coding and web animation.

LANNING. Went lanning with colleagues on Wednesday at Paradiz! Tried out a new game (for me) called Left 4 Dead. And now Serene (who has never lanned before) is damn enthusiastic about the game! haha looks like another lanning trip is on the cards.

AARON'S HOUSEWARMING. Rock Band is damn awesome. Period. It's simply made for parties. Had lots of fun trying out the drums, guitar and vocals, and I can't decide between drums and guitar for my favourite! Oh man, if anyone else has Guitar Hero/Rock Band at home, please invite me to your house next time (: haha of course, the company was great too, and other than the people playing the PS3, there was another group playing mahjong. Oh, and Bob the dog (Aaron's pet) is quite cute, and it has never barked even once since the time Aaron bought it! Talk about being unique, huh?

NUS LAW. Last night, I started receiving messages from friends saying that the results were out. But because I was at the party, I had to contain my anxiety and wait till I get back before I could find out. The moment my feet left the bus, I spriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinted all the way home, rushed up to the study room and turned on the computer. After an antagonising wait, I checked the portal only to find that the status was still 'Pending'. To keep a long story short, it had to do with old cache and stuff, and my happy ending was that I got the NUS Law offer! Apparently Med offers were handed out yesterday, so I hope friends will get what they want as well :D

And I just met my colleague's two-and-a-half year-old son! Super adorable plz. We were all commenting on how he's going to grow up and become a heart-throb. And I think little children have that awesome quality in them - the quality whereby a smile from them can vaporize all anxieties in an instant.

I think some stall aunties are quite nice to talk to. Can you imagine how tiring it must be running a stall the whole day? Waking up at 5am and only ending late at night. It eventually becomes a continuum where day collides into night and dawn coincides with dusk. The only break they seem to have is the weekends. Hence, the next time you see a nice vendor, do talk to them! It will really make their day more bearable (:

Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.

- Robert Frost

A rainbow of thoughts

2009-05-06T09:37:00.005+08:00

A forgotten post from 20th April...

And another week passes by. You turn around to look at the calendar and it's suddenly late April. Where has the past 5 months gone?

PURPOSE - the quality that colours the sketchbook of our lives, which otherwise might just contain pages of lifeless lines. I have always believed in setting myself goals and searching for personal pursuits to follow. It gives me strength to pull myself out of the path of least resistance - a euphemism for slacking and wasting my life away, perhaps - and injects greater definition into life. An insurance of sorts, one might say. What is life without purpose, but a blank slate of canvas owned by a brain-dead artist? In the past, major examinations such as A levels provided for a convenient goal to anchor our lives on to. Right now, it's a little different, it's a little complicated. Too much freedom is no freedom.

NUS LAW INTERVIEW & EXAM. I guess many must be curious to find out what they are all about, looking at the dearth of information available online. It is true that the NUS Law interview is unpredictable and assorted - what one person has gone through may not necessarily be the same for another. However, there are certain common themes. In summary, the NUS Law interview is a 10-20 minutes interview with 2 professors on current affairs issues. Reading the papers frequently does grant you a slight advantage, though that will come to naught if your ability to reason and support your argument is unpolished. As for the Law exam, it is a 1h 15 mins essay test with questions based on information provided, which parallels the History source-based test format many of us are familiar with in Sec Sch/JC.

BUDDY LINE. My buddies are the best! haha we must have one of the longest buddy lines that still keeps in touch. Shan Zhi is the latest addition to our awesome buddy family. Can't wait for our next outing when Junli and Kay Hwee return to Singapore for a full buddy line reunion!

MOVIES. I watched this Korean movie called A Moment To Remember last night. It's a heartbreaking, achingly-sad and touching tale. Of Alzheimer's Disease, memories and identities, love and forgiveness. It's a different kind of niceness compared to Okuribito (Departures), which I consider to be one of the best movies I have watched so far. haha when I told nette that both the female leads are my ideal wives, she said I would never find a wife at this rate if I keep raising the bar! But nah, it's not a matter of having bars or not, but rather it's a kind of permutation and combination - the person doesn't have to have all the qualities, as long as she has the important traits! The rest can be considered something like bonus? hahaha conversations on such inane topics never fail to amuse me.

2009-05-04T11:30:00.003+08:00

CHECK IT OUT:
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/04/human_landscapes_from_above.html

I was looking at some of those awesome photography of other places in the world, and they make me rethink certain things. I used to imagine myself leading a sedentary lifestyle in Singapore, spending time on things I like to do with people I like to be with. But seeing these images (and the one of Lake Coco, featured in yesterday's BT) does make me feel an urge to travel when I grow up.

There is no better inspiration for thoughts and ideas than experience and empathy. It's like bathing in the sunny rays of the Hawaiian beaches and finding out if the feeling is warmer than the afterglow of happiness. Something like that.

But the final goal behind it all is still to write - to distill experiences into words that translate visions and feelings. To write... I wonder if my dream will still be that in time to come.

Some things change all too easily.

2009-05-03T00:34:00.004+08:00

I have so much to say.

But I think some things should be left unsaid.

Some things should be left undone.

Words leave behind imprints, some of which cannot be erased. Actions too.

Sometimes, it's better to forget that it happened, than to think of what could have been.

Because if it's not going to last, does it mean that it shouldn't be pursued?

I wonder.

Will I ever know?

I will probably regret it.

But Life is cruel sometimes.

She gives you hope, and takes it away.

And she does it again, and you fall for it once more.

It never ends.

Until I find a fire big enough to flood the flame.

2009-04-30T23:42:00.001+08:00

I seek answers that I will never get.

The Fields of My Life

2009-04-28T13:26:00.015+08:00

I realise that my new blog will probably take a month or longer to set up, so I guess I shall use this old blog for now.

Alright! So here are some belated photos that never fail to bring back a smile or two (:

Do you believe in fate?

I think it exists.

Cynics may deride fate as an excuse for Man to award meaning and agenda to matters where none exists. I think the cynics might be right, but that isn't stopping me from believing in fate. Until said statement is consummate with evidence that fate really doesn't exist, it never hurts to continue holding on to this beautiful mist of belief, even if we may not feel its presence all the time.

I believe that every individual who has traipsed the fields of my life leave behind something. Some may cultivate crops of memories that I can rely on in times of spiritual famine. Others may plant a devastating plague that tests and burnishes the steel of my character. And there are those who simply leave behind footprints that fade in the coming twilight.

Of course, life is never so ideal. Those precious crops may be, in time, strangled by nascent weeds or destroyed by an unexpected swarm of locusts; and a friendship is lost, a bridge is burnt. The plague that was engineered may eventually wreck the foundations of my life - arresting purpose and sapping away passions, leaving behind a hollow cavern of immeasurable proportions.

But I believe that all roads will eventuate in a fairytale ending. One door closed opens up many others. Every disaster is an opportunity in disguise. Silver linings can be spotted behind every storm cloud, if you look hard enough. Every loss brings better appreciation for what we have left. Life operates on a scale of tilted equilibrium, and life is a symphony of beautiful asymmetry. Life is beautiful, unless we choose to see it otherwise.

Hence, even if it turns into a wasteland first, the fields of my life will one day grow to equal the Garden of Eden, if not better.

That is what I choose to believe.
And that is what I shall work towards.

2009-04-21T23:57:00.004+08:00

Actually, many things have happened over the past few days that are really noteworthy! Things that I would want to remember 10 years later when I look back at this blog to recall the good old times.

But I'm suffering from some kind of jadedness right now - an inertia that doesn't seem to go away. I guess I might have spread myself over too many commitments, especially since workload in workplace only seems to be increasingly exponentially when people realise I can do a little designing. The thing is, I don't really mind it. I see them as opportunities for me to refine and polish my skills.

This is despite knowing that some people may have this sick perception that NSFs are there to be milked and laboured. But still, I usually disregard such sentiments because I believe that deep down inside, they don't really mean it. It's just a form of social conditioning that less discerning individuals unfortunately suffer from.

In any case, more work equates to more energy spent agonizing over the formulation of ideas and designs, which is really no deal. Sian. And I really want to get the AYC site done once and for all, but there seems to be a supply bottleneck of information, and this lag is sapping away my enthusiasm and energy.

haha so is this how a relationship feels like? First, the infatuation supplies one with boundless energy and gets us all excited over the slightest thing. Next, the love deepens and you feel like your life is damn purposeful. Then you get married. And cracks start appearing. You feel like you're stuck in a rut, with nowhere to go. Nah, I think this is too cynical.

We like because, we love although. Got this nice little quote from a friend. When we love something, we love it in spite of its deficits. Weaknesses may invite frustration and unhappiness, but a little juxtaposition goes a long way in emphasizing strengths and highlighting the joys of a relationship. The only perfect relationship is an imperfect one. And that is what I really believe.

Ok, anyway, this shall be my second last post on this blog. I'm going to start a new blog. But designing probably will have to wait till AYC site is completely done. Time to hardcore it. Meanwhile, my trusty organiser shall be the domain of my publicized thoughts.

YES, WE CAN! May the Obama spirit be with me.

What an angsty post.

Welcome to the real world, nick.

2009-04-18T00:18:00.003+08:00

NUS Law interview tomorrow! And HouseD dinner!
Can't wait (:

And I sort of figured it out.

when sorrow is done

2009-04-15T09:50:00.003+08:00

For each thorn, there's a rosebud...
for each twilight — a dawn...
for each trial — the strength to carry on,
For each stormcloud — a rainbow...
for each shadow — the sun...
for each parting — sweet memories
when sorrow is done.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tremors

2009-04-12T17:02:00.000+08:00

I often remark that the heart is fickle.

Think back to the times when those probably meaningless acts could send tremors down your heartstrings and cause the rippling of the air to resonate with flickering images of the past, resulting in a heightened amplitude of hope. For a moment, those innocuous shockwaves loosen the walls to your heart, and the space becomes pregnant with possibilities.

But such wayward fantasies are not built to last, and reality soon snatches you from the fluffy clouds where your head is stuck at and anchors you back to earth.

You let the moment pass and allow your mind to reconstruct the immutable wall that protects your heart. Soon, there is a recall to the status quo and it seems like nothing has ever changed.

Perhaps the thing about great love is the concerted effort needed to reconcile what we want and what we need. After all, the pursuit to get what we want is often the shortest and simplest path, whereas to find out what we truly need will require an arduous and winding journey. Where's the middle ground? It is a place we will eventually have to negotiate for ourselves. Perhaps no middle ground is ever the same for any individual.

Tremors.
Listen to them and your heart shall wander.
Forget about them and your mind will wonder.

The forgotten snapshots of the past

2009-04-10T01:29:00.000+08:00

#600th post!

I think one of the main reasons why I maintain a blog is to provide a connection between the me of the future and the me of the past. Recognizing the fact that the only continuity is change, I think it is always good to have one's thoughts penned down to help us identify the themes that used to be so important (and may still be). Through the juxtaposition of past and present, we may realise the changes we have gone through and see ourselves in a better light.

It has been approximately 2 years since the birth of this blog. Looking back at the old posts, I can't help but recall the people and the memories associated to the past. L'egolas, Scouties, Dotarians, ODAC Associate, 5A, Council campaigners, BB27ths, Highlighters... and these are just some of the characters whose stories gradually surface in my mind.

But life is a mixtape of good and bad songs, and while it is nice to recall the memorable times spent in the past, it is inevitable that the sadness creeps in as well.

I still remember the good friends who used to stay back every day after school to hang out at our L'odge; the spontaneous people that I met at the kayaking expedition and the lame jokes we shared; the scouts who had gone their separate paths; the dotarians who would spend the entire night lanning; the 5A circle of trust. You can't help but wonder what happened to those friendships that used to be, and the camaraderie you recall is resigned to be a shapeless spectre whose presence has long been exorcised by unfortunate circumstances.

Can friendships never last?

2 years down the road, the same question appears, albeit via different context. This time round, I wonder if my friends who are going abroad soon will still be my friends in 5 years' time when most would have graduated. I am confident that some of these friends will still remain in contact, but there is that niggling uncertainty with regards to those who seem to possess such a strong sense of independence that they will forge new ties and leave old ones behind.

I guess there is nothing much we can do but have faith. Friendship is like a car, and a car requires periodic maintenance. You can't expect it to run smoothly if you never bother to put in any effort into checking up on it from time to time, can you?

Since I have been on a voyage to the past, here's a quote from older entries:

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.

Don't you agree? (:

Ahhh! I sincerely hope I will be able to keep in contacts with all my friends! But I know that's practically impossible. So... To these special friends of mine, drop me a message from time to time, a note from you to keep me in your rhyme so that the song of our friendship will forever chime!

And finally, an old favourite:

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

AYC Design

2009-04-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

FINALLY!

I think I have finally created something that captures the youthful, energetic and vibrant nature of AYC! haha although tougher work lies ahead, I can't help but feel so GLAD that a design that I really like has finally emerged through the various stages of experimentation.

(:

Paradox of Love

2009-04-05T19:29:00.000+08:00

I guess love functions in ways that are often ungraspable, unfathomable.

You can begin liking someone at the start, only to find yourself assuming the role of a filler character in his or her story. So you let yourself forget about those intense feelings and compartmentalise them into a tiny glass bottle that is thrown into the river of your emotions, hoping that the pressures of everyday life will crush it into forgettable fragments.

Without the sweetened mists clouding your consciousness, you soon become good friends with him or her. This makes quite a nice quasi-fairytale ending in my opinion, but I guess life prefers to include twists in the overarching plot.

In time, you start to realise that this precious friendship seem to be veering off towards a different direction when he or she starts to behave differently in your company. You secretly wonder if the roles have been reversed, and you consider if it is possible to reignite the extinguished spark.

Yet, it seems like the grains of time have completely eroded past sentiments. You have become so used to this friendship that there doesn't seem to be room for romance. The lenses through which you view him or her have been coloured by the comfortable and friendly memories spent together, and you realise that you are happier being friends.

Hence, you let him or her know in gentle ways that while the role he or her plays in the story of your life is an important one, it is not the pivotal one on which your world revolves around. Because that role has already been reserved for someone else.

And thus concludes the paradox of love. It is something we would like to believe exists only in the realms of fiction and theatre.

But it happens in reality as well.

My Way

2009-04-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

It's not that simple, yet it shouldn't be so difficult either.

Sigh. Just one statement for me to walk my own path.

But I lack the courage.

Autism and Designer Babies

2009-04-02T19:35:00.000+08:00

All of us have dreams of growing up, having a family and receiving children. But sometimes, life has its way of short-circuiting our dreams by throwing us unexpected challenges. What if one day a child of ours is diagnoised with autism? The autism most of us are acquainted with is probably the milder strain. In this short story, the author speaks of her experiences.

For years I had been telling my son's story, insisting that autism is beautiful, mysterious, perhaps even evolutionarily necessary. Denying that it can also be a wild, ravaging madness, a disease of the mind and soul.

I spent Tuesday at a friend's house, as planned, in front of the TV, watching the Obamas walk and wave. Once, when someone asked why I was so quiet, I mentioned that one of my children was in the hospital, quite ill. She touched me and said something kind. I knew she was thinking of something like leukemia and I wanted to tell her I would hack off my right arm in return for something as simple as cancer. The flickering beauty of a sad, pure, too-early death sounds lovely. Instead I nodded, silent and dumb.

Sigh, what a sad tale.

And the most chilling thing? It can happen to any one of us.

This leads me to another strand of thought: Will designer babies become part of the accepted norm in the near future? As society progresses towards becoming more meritocratic and elitist in nature, will our morals, ethics and values shift to become more accepting of designer babies? Enmesh these considerations with the observation that people across the world are slowly becoming conditioned to avoiding suffering and you may get what I mean.

I do think it is a very probable scenario in the near future. What is morally correct today may not be so tomorrow. Are morals always evergreen? It seems wrong to purposefully specify traits for children, but, at the same time, isn't it morally wrong to not utilize such technology if it could save lives or improve standards of living?

What do you think? Will you ever consider designing your baby, not for cosmetic purposes, but to screen it for potential life-afflicting diseases?

Fail

2009-04-01T22:36:00.000+08:00

You should never let fear hold you back from the things that you want in life. Fear is the epitome of failure. Those who fail in life, fail not because they didn't try hard enough...but because their fear held them back from trying at all.

DEAR SIR, you just got yourself a -

2009-03-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

I just got another of those irritating phone calls, where people tell me how XYZ Company is conducting a monthly giveaway draw and that I just happened to be the lucky person. The prizes supposedly do not have terms and conditions attached to them.

The first time I got such a call, I almost believed that it was real! But the moment the conversation ended, doubts and uncertainties surfaced, and I began to notice the little cracks in the caller's proposal. In other words, I realised that I got SCAMMED.

This time round, I didn't even bother to finish listening to what that dude has to say, excusing myself with the all-powerful claim that I AM BUSY. And there, I hung up.

This reminds me of the sporadic Chinese calls that were made to me as well. haha those are easy to evade - just pretend you don't know what they're speaking. But I really wonder where they get my number from. Is some nefarious marketing of our personal contact information happening without our notice or permissions? Oh well, even if it were, we can't do anything about it.

The river rises, flows over its banks
and carries us all away, like mayflies
floating downstream: they stare at the sun,
then all at once there is nothing.

- Gilgamesh

IDEAS!

2009-03-29T20:49:00.000+08:00

BANE OR BOON?

Sometimes, ideas just can't stop permeating through my head. I'd get this sudden impulse to become active and be involved in projects or initiatives. Like recently, I thought of starting a website where beautiful Powerpoint slides will be gathered in a gallery of sorts, with the purpose of inspiring others and perhaps show them how to use Powerpoint presentations to convey their message more effectively. Just take a walk along the corridors of your memories - do you still remember that (literally) stunning sight of slides filled with lines and lines of words? Or that cringing feeling you get (like the kind you feel when someone scratches the blackboard with their fingernails) when you see pink words transposed onto green background?

Yup, you get the point. Doesn't it feel like a waste for such powerful tools to not be fully utilized? With this thought in mind, the idea to create a Powerpoint Hub of sorts manifested in my mind. But I'm not sure if the output will exceed the input. Will people actually be interested to start using Powerpoint to present an idea rather than feed information? Will people bother to upload Powerpoint slides that are splendid? Will people spare time to rate Powerpoint slides? Will you? Most importantly, HAS IT BEEN DONE ALREADY?

Another idea is to set up a website called Good To Know, where miscellaneous and random information that is healthy for general consumption is posted. Will people visit the site on a regular basis? Who will the target audience be? And most importantly, can it be sustained? Personally, I don't think it can hold my interest for too long.

A more personal idea is to arrange to go on a cruise with friends! Wanted to do that with scouties, but it was too rushed to get it planned to coincide with their 10-day break. Most likely this won't happen either.

LOL @ KISS OF DEATH.
And finally, I got this idea to post a Facebook note on all the random, quirky, memorable, hilarious, etc moments that have been spent in the past two years in Council. Since we got such a big group of people, there will probably be a lot to write about! Like I can still remember the day where it was pouring outside and a bunch of us were inside the old council room (haha the pre-Ngiam era, where the mattress was still intact!) singing random songs. And the not-so-legal sleepover in school at the council room. HAHA and the time Sean asked Kovan if his handphone was spoiled because he can't seem to scroll down the message inbox (read: somebody's name seemed to be stuck on the screen)! lol quite funny to see what people can recall of the funny and strange times we had. But I'm feeling lazy now, so perhaps I shall leave that for another day.

Why I want to study locally

2009-03-27T09:03:00.000+08:00

Law FTW! I'm more or less fixed on studying locally at NUS, so I hope I will get into the Law faculty eventually on one of the college scholarships.

Why study Law locally? For that matter, WHY STUDY LOCAL? That's becoming quite a common question these days. After all, it is widely thought of that studying overseas is 'better' than local - it could be because of the prestige conferred on to overseas graduates (seems more to me like a result of the colonial baggage carried by Asians - the false impression of Western superiority), the mosaic of diverse personalities one will encounter (though whether a cross-pollination of perspectives and ideas will happen remains debatable), or simply the belief that a superior brand of education will be prescribed (that's probably true for colleges in the same vein as Oxbridge).

Sometimes I think I'm such an idealist, though at other times I can imagine being called a pragmatist. For this decision, I guess it can be described as a fusion of the two, though I believe it is slanted more towards the idealist side.

Challenge I want to become a living proof that studying locally can produce thinkers, pioneers and leaders who are equally, if not better, equipped with excellent thinking faculties as our Western counterparts. Or to put it simply, I love challenges that mean something to me!

Dream I wish to fulfill my dream my day, butI have this nagging feeling that if I go overseas, I might become awashed with exalted visions of granduer that might sidetrack me with alternative ambitions. Perceived superiority based on superficial standards often result in people pursuing what they think they should do, rather than what they really want to do.

Bonds Since I don't wish to emigrate in the future, I want to be able to experience the kind of setting where I can randomly encounter an ex-buddy in Wisma and rekindle our friendship over local cuisine at Xin Wang; or to be able to arrange for an impromptu gathering (like what I frequently do now with classmates, scouts and councillors) and have a catching-up session. I have always believed that it is the little surprises in life that collectively adds up to make living such an intriguing and scintillating experience : D

Future I want to someday be able to point out to my children the spot where I had spent countless hours practising for the best marriage proposal ever. I want to some day be able to visit my best friend and write his or her autobiography, in the year of my retirement. And on my 50th wedding anniversary, I want to bring my wife to our secret little spot somewhere in Singapore and remind her of the many unforgettable episodes we have been through together with a romantic surprise. I want to do many things, and I want to do them in a familiar place, in a home called Singapore!

There are many other reasons, but these are just some of the ones that resonate with me. One day, these may neither be the same reasons, nor be the same anchors that will hold me close to this tiny island as they become displaced by subterranean tectonic changes. But I shall leave the future for tomorrow, for I am happy with my decision, and that is what matters today.

How's Life?

2009-03-24T02:53:00.000+08:00

Just woke up from an accidental nap. Whenever I wake up from such accidental naps, I feel this little tingling sense of excitement as I approach my laptop, wondering what went on while I stayed asleep - the snippets of conversations that I might have missed, or simply the latest updates on soccer sites.

I guess I haven't been posting much the past week or so. It's not that I don't have any thoughts or any accounts that I wish to flesh out to the public (that totally sounded like a streaker), but it just seems that I can't find the patience to organize my thoughts in coherent, digestible form these days. I could talk about how the peeling of my skin makes me feel like I got some skin disease, and the way that the skin is shedding compares favourably to a real-time lesson on geography, where new continents and channels are constantly being created. I could talk about the pockets of memories that surface whenever I listen to songs like Tonight, Lucky or Space In My Heart. I could even talk about some of the theories or observations that abducted my mind when I least expected the ambush.

These days, many conversations with friends will include this line: How's life? A simple two-word question, yet one that I don't really know how to answer.

How do I tell them that life is really, really amazing because I finally realised that I have a dream to work towards?
That life feels charged with purpose and energy because I came to a crossroad in life and made a decision;
That I find myself fortunate to be able to pursue old goals, set new targets and do things at my own pace;
That I am so grateful and glad that I'm becoming closer and more comfortable with some friends;
That life feels so exciting sometimes, when I think about the infinite possibilities of the things I can do in my current position;

That life somehow feels boring and routine some days, even though my work could be quite exciting on that day, and that I have a dinner date with friends to look forward to that night;
That watching anime and playing computer games are making me feel like the days are passing by too fast, and that I'm really wasting my time away, wasting my health away...;
That I find writing about stellar achievement that highlights my intellectual capacity and whatnots in less than 2000 characters a little silly. Why can't they give more exciting, thought-provoking questions??
That life is kind of sad because I feel a little transparent sometimes;
That life is worrying whenever I think about how I would soon lose contact with certain friends;

How can I encapsulate this kaleidoscope of emotions into a package of succint words?

I can't.

So I tell them that my life is routine, my life is interesting, my life is full of ups and downs. I tell them that when what I should really be telling them is this:

That life is messed up, but it's messed up in the way I like it, and I would wish for nothing to be changed. (:

Never mind trifles.
In this world a man must either be anvil or hammer.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

falling in love with a star

2009-03-23T01:32:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I've done these random pieces of work! haha perhaps I was inspired by the trip with Nette to random art shops where we tried to absorb the arty-farty vibes from our pretty surroundings. It really made me feel like attending some quality Art & Craft lessons, and if anyone has good (and reasonably priced) recommendations, please let me know! I want to learn how to make fantastic art pieces that are NON-digital in nature. Not that I have anything against digital art, it's just it doesn't feel as authentic somehow. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, one of my greatest wishes is to draw really well. But I probably don't have the patience to pick up drawing now. I think my frequent use of softwares such as Photoshop, Flash and Illustrator has somehow tuned my body to the frequency of immediacy. Subscribed to the notion that everything can and has to be be done fast and well, I have lost the willingness to slowly plow through the readings and practices that are quintessential to picking up any form of skill.

Perhaps some day I will finally be able to sit back and take my time to master the things I really want to learn. But that some day is probably in a few decades' time.

Choices

2009-03-22T02:28:00.000+08:00

Choices are made every moment of our lives. Let's watch this show today. Let's ask them out tomorrow. Let's stop denying the truth. Let's become lawyers together. Let's study local.

We believe that we're the one making the choices. I guess that's true most of the time.

Yet, the reverse is true as well.

We make choices, but let's not forget that choices make us too.

2009-03-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

Life has an funny way of presenting wistful snapshots of the past to you when you least expect it.

Of kayaking, dinner, and inter-racial marriages

2009-03-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

[THURSDAY]
Went kayaking-fishing at Pasir Ris Park! The weather was insanely hot, but we didn't bring sunblock, so we decided to just 'man' it. Caught nothing except the strange animal featured in one of the pictures. We can't seem to find where it's brain is located. Anyway, even though we didn't manage to fish anything despite our high-quality baits (we immerse the prawns in XO sauce :D), it was still fantastic! It's been such a long time since I have kayaked already. Hopefully I can get a kayak with a spray cover and go on a expedition sometime in the near future!

[FRIDAY]
Exciting discussion with the people working on N.E.mation IV and brainstormed for some catchy names for next year's competition :D Met Sophia, Yu Yiing and Ge for AYC discussions and realised how WORKAHOLIC the Big Bosses (Sophia/YY) are. haha maybe I should organize some happening outing to let them relax a bit and have moer fun xD

[SATURDAY]
Checked out NUS Law with Royce before heading down to Dhoby Ghaut for dinner with HouseD. haha I really enjoy the random gatherings we always seem to be having! In fact, we meet up quite often now that I think of it. At least once a week? But this dinner has been my favourite one so far! It's been a really long time since I last find myself shocked to discover how fast time flies, and when we realised that it was already 10pm, I really didn't feel the minutes slip by at all. <3 BBHouseD!

[SUNDAY]
SOCCER!!! It's been a million years since we last played together, and it was really fantastic :D Really missed the old times where we used to play on a weekly basis. Met Mrs Ng and caught up with her a little. She's having a second baby! Quite exciting, and she's supposedly giving birth to him on the 9th September 2009! I was asking Vishwa what he thought about inter-racial marriages and I realized something: There are many things we have read about, but it is only when someone we know relates to the topic through personal accounts and experiences that the topic feels more relevant.

ANYWAY, I REALLY HATE APPLICATIONS. They are screwing up my plans and making me somehow feel like I'm living on borrowed time, injecting a sense of urgency into my otherwise wonderful life. I want to complete the AYC website, wrap up my company project and START WRITING MY BOOK!!! But I can't, because applications have deadlines. Yet, I have been procrastinating. SIAN. Every night when I think about writing those essays, it totally spoils my mood no matter how enjoyable the day has been.

A kaleidoscope of emotions. I wish some things were less complicated.

Timeless Love

2009-03-15T11:42:00.000+08:00

He met a girl tomorrow. It was the girl he fell in love with yesterday.

This randomly popped into my mind as I was thinking about the contents of certain scholarship application.

Chronologically impossible?

Think again ;)

Better to let the past elude you

2009-03-13T11:43:00.000+08:00

It is sadder to find the past again and find it inadequate to the present than it is to have it elude you and remain forever a harmonious conception of memory.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Crack-Up"

MSN Nicks

2009-03-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

One of the things that has always intrigued me are the MSN nicknames that are displayed.

I would always wonder what they mean, and whether the authors mean it differently in other contexts.

So, the next time I ask you about your nick, don't be too surprised!

Company Retreat

2009-03-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

Wow, I must say I have been completely surprised by today's events. I came expecting a one-way communication of information and cosmetic discussions, but ended up learning quite a bit as well as enjoying the mini-games injected at several intervals.

Nexus mimicked something called Open Source Technology, which gets participants to interact and discuss with one another without subscribing to an overarching agenda, and with just a theme in mind. After having those discrete pockets of discussions, hosts will summarize the ideas glimpsed from the short discussion for the rest. Basically, this model hinges on the usage of collective intelligence which operates on the assumption that the whole is greater the sum of individual parts.

Hence, these words are like a hotline to other ideas, so everytime I use them I don't get a single and monotonous image but rather a more assorted and colourful picture.

Somewhere along, I learnt some interesting phrases such as 'guerilla marketing', and it hit me that I really like collecting quotes and learning new (and often more sophisticated) words! I like using them not because they supposedly impress (actually I believe it doesn't, and I much prefer the simple and the succinct), but rather because such terms often package within them a collection of related ideas. Hence, these words are like a hotline to other ideas, so everytime I use them I don't get a single and monotonous image but rather a more assorted and colourful picture. And that is the reason I like using 'chim' words sometimes.

Similarly, 'lorry ride' has come to mean a lot to some Highlighters, and 'batch dynamics' has made its permanent residence in the hearts of scouties.

In the same vein, some words have been sweetened by experiences and have gained a special flavour that calls upon select memories when used. Just as a picture says a thousand words, saying the words 'blindfold' and 'retreat' in the same breath to any BB 27ths and they may just start recalling the tears, the guitar, the room, the heart, and the whisperings. Similarly, 'lorry ride' has come to mean a lot to some Highlighters, and 'batch dynamics' has made its permanent residence in the hearts of scouties. Not to forget, 'Cok Family' never fails to bring about a smile!

All in all, the first day of retreat ended pretty well, and there will be fun and games tomorrow! I think I'm starting to really like my job and the friends I have made over there (:

This Is Me

2009-03-10T00:58:00.000+08:00

Nice song! But her dancing is a little too exaggerated that it becomes amusing to watch.

Lyrics of This Is Me (Click to expand)

The Brick Walls

2009-03-08T15:00:00.000+08:00

The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people.

- The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

And occasionally, such quotes jump out from their typeface to strike a figurative gong in my head that reverberates for a few moments. I find myself questioning if I had tried hard enough, if I could have done more, and if I should have tried even harder, to accomplish my pursuit.

But as I turn the page to another chapter which tells of a different story, the transient period of introspection and reflection comes to pass, and the mind re-engages with the plot once more, relegating any residual thoughts to a forgotten chamber situated at a secluded part of my mind.

And so it begins.

2009-03-08T01:08:00.000+08:00

Isn't it strange that a slip of paper which weighs so light in your hands can weigh so heavy on your heart? The more things we relate to the slip of paper, the heavier it becomes. In a sense, those things that are considered so important to us, such as scholarships, careers and futures, are like anchors, and the more we relate them to the slip of paper, the heavier it weighs on the heart.

Back at RIJC, I was feeling quite calm and collected. Actually, I think what I felt probably resembled a sense of detachment more, a consequence of treating the slip of paper as what it really is than what it may be, without all the excessive deadweight that accompanies the anchors mentioned above.

Results. First came relief. Floods and floods of it! Then joy soon arrived, but it was kept within me and little of it was expressed, for I thought that those who may not have shared similar results might be affected in some way. Friends might recognize the happiness twinkling in my eyes, though others may mistake the passivity as nonchalance. Celebrations were similarly muted as many of my good friends did not get the results that they have had in mind.

With the collection of results over, I guess the chapter of my life that spans across two memorable and scintillating years has finally concluded. I suppose the next step got to do with the university applications, scholarship applications and other nitty-gritty stuff. Yet, I have this feeling of dislocation lodged within me, like I have no idea what to do next. I want to do something exciting! Something new! Or maybe just something that is pure fun! Maybe it's a subconscious need to celebrate! But I can't think of anything. SIAN.

I guess it's just the aftermath of collecting results, and the tides of routine from my desk-bound job will soon wash away these residual effects. But for now, I just feel like taking up a risky enterprise, because I can and because I want to.

Following your heart is the hardest thing to do, sometimes.

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser

2009-03-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

I am still not feeling the rush of anxiety that is sometimes so tangible that you feel as though something is churning in your veins that makes your heart accelerates a million times faster than usual. But I know it will come soon, probably one or two hours before the time, and the feeling of your heart being squeezed tightly will likely reach its zenith right as I stare into the eyes of my civics tutor and collect the result slip from her.

I'm still feeling like I'm situated in the eye of the storm right now, embracing the blanket of tranquility as much as I can before it is ripped away from me by the indiscriminate gusts of wind.

Imagine that you have the chance to write a letter to the you of tomorrow from the you of today. What will you say that you think might make a difference in your life?

Hey tomorrow's Nick,
I am going straight to the point. Here are some wise words that you got to listen:
If you have screwed up your As, firstly, go get some alone-time and grief all you need, and if you are still feeling that abject sense of emptiness you might sometimes encounter at times when you reach rock-bottom, GO SLEEP. Once you are awake, start charting out the directions that are still accessible to you and plan out how you are going to navigate through the obstacles that stand in your way. After all, life is a glass half-filled ;)

Perhaps you might want to look at it this way: If Life were to throw a large boulder in front of you, presently blocking your vision from the road ahead and leaving your emotions nestled in hopelessness and grief, she actually meant for you to scale to the top of the rock, so that you could see further and see better!

Finally, if all else fails, just listen to the wise words of the ancient dudes!

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. John W. Gardner

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. Carl Sandburg

And although you may harbour doubts towards your faith, still, it may be nice to recall that God draws straight with crooked lines (:

Regards,
Today's Nick

Extraordinary

2009-03-04T11:37:00.000+08:00

All of us are probably more amazing and extraordinary than we would ever imagine ourselves to be. Most of us fail to realise this or only manage a fleeting glimpse into the depths of our potential. Inundated by stories of people living out their mundane and seemingly-trivial lives, or trapped in the notion that the truly amazing only manifests in fantasy novels, we unknowingly placed ourselves under a glass ceiling, where the perception distortion leads us to believe that the sky is lower than it actually is. We unknowingly made ourselves ordinary, when we are, in actuality, extraordinary.

Only when we dare to dream, and only when we dare to work towards the dream, will we understand what we can achieve.

But first, let's work up the courage to do something, rather than staying passive all the time.

A parade of thoughts

2009-03-01T10:36:00.000+08:00

I must stay away from coffee. Coffee reacts with me in an abnormal way - my heart palpitates, my eyes feel pinched, my skin gets all tensed up. In the immediate aftermath, there are certainly the benefits of heightened awareness and perhaps a greater dose of inspiration (it has helped me come up with some good ideas for my book!). However, the boon soon fades away, leaving behind the unwanted currency of fatigue. Oh, but Ye Wei claims that JD's cafe sells awesome, one-of-a-kind coffee. Maybe I should go experiment and find out if it's unique indeed!

I need to find AWFUL-sounding songs. Anyone has some to recommend? Songs that will shriek into the walls of my ear-drums and make my soul shiver so that I will awake immediately? I realized that I have been using my favourite songs as my alarm in the mornings. And because of this, I have this tendency to want to finish listening to the whole song, immersing myself in the enchanting melodies... But the more I listen, the happier I feel, and the more I will tug my pillow closer to me... One thing leads to another, and soon there is no light, only darkness. And I am no longer awake.

That was what happened to me on Saturday! I set my alarm at 6am AND I WOKE UP AT 6! Only to fall asleep again. So I was slightly late for the AYC meeting, though I had to spend lots on taxi fare to ensure that I wasn't abhorrently late.

BB gathering was nice. The four dudes of the BB family have finally reunited after what seemed like a million years! The girls and the fantastic cake that they baked (read: the fantastic cake that they got Breadtalk to bake) were fantastic too (: haha and because Ye Wei and I were sitting damn far away, we used the mirrors in front of us to look at those sitting at the opposite end so we could talk more easily. Onlookers must have found it as amusing as we did.

Talking to Juan He about life, love and the universe is quite an interesting and amusing experience.

And I feel the urge to change my blog template again!

So that was yesterday. Quite an enjoyable day (:

Actually, I have been thinking about the topic of Infatuation vs Interest recently. Maybe I will write more about it soon, when I feel inspired. Anyway, just a snippet of my thoughts:

I guess most of us will think of infatuation as the red, syrupy haze that envelopes our minds and tints our thoughts towards the subject of interest, such that every little action appears to harbour hidden symbolisms and that every little reaction seems to suggest favourable intentions towards oneself. Yes, I totally agree with that description. What is wrong, however, is our belief that infatuation is a short-lived phenomenon, which it isn't always.

Meeting the Scouties soon! haha somehow when they talk about army stuff, it's never boring. Or maybe I am just prejudiced.

A parade of elephants.

Once upon a time

2009-02-27T00:28:00.000+08:00

I have decided to write a book (:

Actually, it has been something I have been thinking about for a while. I have always wanted to be a writer, famed or otherwise. Perhaps this might be known to some as a dream. Even I am not too sure. There is no rush of adrenaline when I think about it, though the torrent of ideas and plots that awash my mind has been known to invoke feelings of excitement. In any case, it is a plan which I hope I will be able to complete in a year!

When it comes to ideas and activities, I have never been the most steadfast. In fact, I would call myself flighty in this aspect, for I would imagine and envision many plans and projects, but most fail to materialize due to gradiented passions.

I'm not sure what the book will be about yet. For now, it is likely to be a fantasy book, perhaps with social commentary injected, either subtly or blatantly. Memories, magic, science, love, romance, religion... just some preliminary ideas. I'm quite excited about some of the ideas that have surfaced so far! It's all still quite premature, so I better not get ahead of myself. Anyway, it certainly makes life all the more interesting and purposeful! Writing a book is, after all, much like painting, albeit with words instead of brushes. There is beauty in the process, satisfaction at the end.

Let's hope this magic won't run out on me.

2009-02-26T10:51:00.000+08:00

And I'm much amused and embarrassed at myself for that.

I guess immaturity is not something we can grow out of with the passing of time.

A Murder of Thoughts

2009-02-26T00:49:00.000+08:00

I have this feeling that I'm stuck in a limbo. Life has become too routine and dull - wake up, cycle, work, home, slack & sleep. It's like there's nothing to look forward to! True, there are the occasional meetings with friends that are held on weekends, but I much prefer them to be in sizable chunks rather than the assortment of various masses that they often are. Large groups are for entertainment; small groups are for intimacy. The next time I say "Long time no see/talk!" to you even though we have just met a few days back, perhaps you'll get what I mean.

Group meetings are like 'assurance' encounters, gatherings where you convey to certain friends the message that you hope the special friendships you share will last beyond the month, beyond the year. On the other hand, individual meetings are like 'intrigue' encounters, meetings where you really get to talk to the person - thus, getting to know the friend better, and allowing him or her the opportunity to know you beyond the surface too - and find yourself becoming interested to learn more.

I digressed. Anyway, I need a GOAL, a pursuit where I can leash my imagination on and unleash my energies for. It has to be something I really want to do, not something I am interested in doing. It has to be a 'hard' goal, not a 'soft' goal like learning to cook or waveboard.

Designing the website for AYC is interesting, but it's not enough. The only interesting part is when the designing part - the subsequent coding part is a torture. In fact, I find that designing is probably one of the best applications of problem-solving. On one hand, there are certain demands you have to deal with (like the site content), certain restrictions you have to work under (like your theme has to be aligned to the corporate colours), and certain ideals you have to adjust towards (like how the site should look like i.e. cartoonish, professional). On the other, you have to consider your personal arsenal of skills in areas such as graphic design, coding and animation. After this, you have to synthesize both of the individual parts to produce something that both your client and you like. Problem Provided + Skills = Answer!

And I digressed, again. Then again, there is no designed agenda for this post, just a collection of random thoughts and ideas. I guess I can start working on stuff like PSC essay for now while I think of a potential project to take up. Actually, I was thinking of writing a book, but somehow I feel that my thoughts get stifled, and my creativity oppressed, while I'm in the office. Or maybe I should just try my hand in tutoring since I have always been interested in teaching.

Ah well, the vagaries of the mind.

A murder of crows.

2009-02-24T21:16:00.000+08:00

I never knew it required so much courage to tell a friend that you hope to be friends.

But if there were no honesty in friendship, what is it, but an empty vessel of treasured memories?

Pretty Moments

2009-02-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

A birthday is just another ordinary day made extraordinary by memorable encounters with special persons. Nineteen doesn't feel very much different from eighteen, yet being nineteen seems to be a whole lot different from being eighteen. Nineteen for me means an emergence from safety nets; it means adapting to reality and the world outside; it means making sense of loss and making sense of life; it means defining my faith; it means learning to let go; it means having the courage to pursue my dreams, my love. It means becoming independent, and being less dependent on others - on their opinions, on their directions, and on their needs.

To be honest, I was surprised to receive so many greetings from so many people, many of whom I did not expect to remember my birthday. Facebook probably got a role to play in this, but I'm still glad that these friends bothered to send a note or two. The constant barrage of SMSes really made my day!

Most importantly, thanks for these pretty moments:

NYDC; delicious dessert!; interesting conversations. I feel like we have become closer as friends (:

Depot Heights; angst on work, universities, applications; catching up; awesome shirt!. I miss not meeting the Scouties for so long!

Changing Appetites; the usual incestuous accusations among the Coks; The Lovers' Book for the lover who's best at everything; surprise!. You guys never fail to make our meetings so amusing and so much fun!

Big O; baby Evans!; awesome photo-board!; Sakae Sushi; LOL elitist talk; catching up; McCafe. I think it's really nice how we are becoming more and more comfortable with one another, and letting one another know more and more about ourselves, after every meeting (:

Aristotle once said, "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." Other than sweet memories or pretty moments, I think that the best gift anyone can receive is a present of deepening friendship!

2009-02-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

The best birthday gifts are not material possessions, but rather sweet memories or pretty moments.

2009-02-18T23:53:00.000+08:00

So much INERTIA. I'm supposed to repair some kinks to my Brown application and to send an email to my old form teacher for my secondary school transcripts. Yet, every day I come home from work, I feel this magnetic push away from these responsibilities. It's as if I'm subconsciously repelling them as I procrastinate and be satisfied with half-baked rationalizations.

I'm increasingly convinced that NUS Law is the way to go. Overseas experience is definitely invaluable. However, the four years of potential stagnation working at a government unit is unthinkable. Ok, maybe I'm over-generalizing - there will definitely be jobs that are challenging and exciting, but it's really down to luck of the draw. Then again, not everyone will be as fortunate to have their interests coincide with their jobs. More often than not, such occurrences are incident on chance rather than design.

Hmm. Or perhaps these are just excuses framed in a self-righteous manner. Bleh. I need to get moving. It's time to get moving.

Sand by the Sea

2009-02-17T20:59:00.000+08:00

You are reminded of the tides that still cherish their periodic encounters with the shore.

As you thread softly on the shores of memories, wave after wave of sentiments loaded with snapshots of particular moments crash against your memory banks. You are reminded of the velvet sheet of darkness where diamonds smile back at you as you entrust your thoughts and theories to its warm embrace. You are reminded of the sunshine that thaws the cold and melts the frost. You are reminded of the tempest that rages within a glass sphere, unable to break out of its chains - or perhaps, your chains. You are reminded of the breeze that cuts relentlessly, even as you stood still and unmoving, unable to act or react. You are reminded of the trees that stand still as they honour their promise to the grass that they shall be protected. You are reminded of the tune that lies to escape the flute, and how you never hear of it ever again. You are reminded of the tides that still cherish their periodic encounters with the shore. I am reminded of the people I meet, and the people I have met.

Yet, they leave as quickly too, often without even letting you know, like the girl whose smile used to teach you that there were eight colours in the rainbow.

People enter our lives every day. They enter quickly and suddenly, like the boy who was drooling on his mother's arm, though her adoring smile told us that she did not mind it at all; or the pregnant lady who gave up her seat to a paraplegic while others beside feigned blindness to the situation. Yet, they leave as quickly too, often without even letting you know, like the girl whose smile used to teach you that there were eight colours in the rainbow; or the friend who used to be able to decipher the coded whisperings of your heart.

And then there are the rare few who engrave their story of the time we have spent together on the edge of the sea.

People enter our lives, and leave them. Some of them leave behind nothing but footsteps in the sand, imprints that would be washed away by the ensuing high tide, leaving behind an absence that would not be felt in time to come. Others build unique sandcastles on the beach and introduce us to haunting melodies as wind blows past its sculpted chambers - such that when the castle is reduced to a relic of a beautiful past, we are gifted with a resounding sense of loss. And then there are the rare few who engrave their story of the time we have spent together on the edge of the sea - thus, even when the waters have dissolved its tangible presence, the tale will still resound as we fill up the empty spaces with those intangible, shared emotions.

At this point, you can't help but wonder: whose memories will I still be holding on to next year?

You open up your palms, allowing those tiny particles to escape into the air, and you watch as they slowly flicker out of existence. This is what memories are made of; this is what memories are like. There are too many of them for you to cherish, too many of them for you to hold on to. Sometimes, you got to let some of them go so you can make space for new ones. At this point, you can't help but wonder: whose memories will I still be holding on to next year? Will the storms and gusts wipe away that which you once considered precious? Or will you be able to hold on tight enough, to stop them from leaving your hands, to stop them from leaving your heart? Will I be able...?

Only time will tell.

So you watch the sunset with a hopeful heart, and pray that when the sun rises again tomorrow, the sands of memory will stay where they are. After all, miracles do happen...

...right?

Said All I Need

2009-02-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothings turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you won’t let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You’re doing your best and
Your best look
You’re praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you won’t let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it .. Better than you had it

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

True Tears

2009-02-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

I've just finished watching the favourite romance of my life (: It's an anime show called True Tears. Too tired to talk more about it now. Anyway, here's the opening song that you just have to listen to! It's so uplifting and beautiful.

And here's an excellent review of the show by a random person called LianYL, though there are certain points which I don't agree with.

The concept of ‘taking flight’ in the picture book is a very simple idea actually. It is to possess the firm resolution to carry out what you have in mind for your own life.

It is the major part of your career path when you choose what you will be working as and who you will be working for. It is the essence of your love life when you decide whether you are going to try for that girl/guy you’ve been secretly admiring all this while, or remain silent and continue observing the person far away. In short, it is to take action. Actual action that does not involve drowning in mud and licking your wounds as you continue giving excuses for not trying to attain your highest capability. Harsh as this may sound, but there is neither right nor wrong in making such decisions. It is only the indecisive portion that proves to be the downside of our life as it results in a standstill. Ironically, it is this very indecisiveness that makes our life interesting. The choices, or even the wavering between paths, these are what makes up ‘life’, a bold statement from a person in his early twenties I would say.

Mandolin

2009-02-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernières

Because Valentine's is coming, and because we all need to be reminded from time to time what love is about.

Who Are You?

2009-02-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

'Who are you?' These three words may look simple, but it is a question that most will not find easy answering. Even those who proudly acclaim that they understand themselves very well must be aware of the various blindspots to their identities that people often struggle to make sense of.

Sometimes, we respond to this question by listing out the various identities that we have assumed and are assuming, or go through traits and qualities that distinguish our personalities from others. At other times, we answer with the things we enjoy doing - our hobbies and interests - as our actions often define us more clearly than rhetoric can ever.

Are our identities akin to words written on a sheet of paper - stuck in a static state of equilibrium that portrays a unilateral and singular depiction of ourselves?

But is it that simple? Are our identities akin to words written on a sheet of paper - stuck in a static state of equilibrium that portrays a unilateral and singular depiction of ourselves? And that even if it is cooled in viscous water or frayed in a fiery tempest, the font may become distorted but the contents shall always remain unchanged.

An instinctive response will, of course, be 'no'. But before we write it off completely, we should also acknowledge that there is some essence of truth in it, and recognize that at the core of our identity are some fundamentals and unyielding qualities that will always be a part of us even as we change, adapt and evolve.

Whenever I think about this, I will somehow imagine myself to be comparable to a set of puzzle pieces, with different pieces distributed to various batches of people.

Personally, I find that a difficult question to answer. There are many times when I feel like I have different sets of personalities that I show to different groups of people - much like how we dress differently when attending disparate occasions. Whenever I think about this, I will somehow imagine myself (or more specifically, my identity) to be comparable to a set of puzzle pieces, with different pieces distributed to various batches of people. Perhaps the corner jig saws will be given to the people I cherish more. The corners are, after all, the integral parts that define the shape of the puzzle, and thus can be said to constitute my core identity. And then the rest of the other jigsaws will be given freely to the assortment of people that hold a less important place in my heart.

Only then are you able to find out if the shades of white on the jigsaw you received belong to the wings of an angel or the teeth of a devil.

It may sound like an oxymoron, but the jigsaw analogy is the only way I can reconcile the fact that our identities are so fragmented, yet so singular; so different, yet so similar at the same time. If that is the case, perhaps you will only ever get a complete picture of a person when you are able to piece together all the jigsaws he or she has distributed. Only then are you able to find out if the shades of white on the jigsaw you received belong to the wings of an angel or the teeth of a devil; only then will you have the ability to distinguish whether the fiery gradient is part of a pensive sunset or a raging conflagration.

Yet, to describe oneself as the collection of different pieces somehow create the impression that we often display an incomplete version of ourselves to others. There is a sense of incongruity to it. Perhaps a more harmonious way of stitching my thoughts together might have been aptly provided by Neil Gaiman in his description of a multi-faceted stone.

This was the least of them. It was an Eagle Stone that I created for the great birds. And they used it for a time; and then they returned it to me. Facets, Matthew. Each facet catches the light in its own way. It glints and sparkles and flashes uniquely. It would almost be possible to believe that the facet was the jewel; not just a tiny part of it. But, then, as we move the jewel another facet catches the light... My point? I have no point, Matthew. Save for the jewel, and the facets, and the light. We see an aspect of the whole. But the facet is not the jewel.

The jewel, the facets, the light. Three different entities, yet together they reflect one reality.

Who are you? It is a personal question, yet we are only able to define ourselves in terms relative to others. As much as we would like to believe that our identity is ours to own, a commodity that belongs only to ourselves, the truth is such a good is probably a non-excludable one - where it is impossible or impractical to exclude others. Essentially, I guess we are who we make ourselves to be as well as what others make of us, and only by finding both of the parts and putting them together can we discover and understand ourselves better.

Soft Edges

2009-02-07T20:35:00.000+08:00

IT'S FINALLY DONE! After 2 WEEKS of mental anguish and physical torture (lack of sleep), Soft Edges is finally done! Yes, Soft Edges is the name of my latest blog template (:

I call these occasions the 'soft edges', instances where the things you seek elude you just as you thought you were about to have it.

Have you ever felt like you were just about to chance upon a certain epiphany, but, somehow, just as you were to grasp it with your fist, it was abruptly snatched away from you, never to be found again? Have you ever dreamt that you were chasing a person round and round your dreamscape as you persist to find out who he or she is, only to find yourself awaken by the incessant alarm just when you were about to find out the person's identity? Have you ever felt like you were about to fall in love only to have your sentiments blunted by a kaleidoscope of things unknown and unnamed to you, eventually having to return to the comfortable and static status quo? Perhaps you have. Perhaps you have not. In any case, I call these occasions the 'soft edges', instances where the things you seek elude you just as you thought you were about to have it.

It is messy, it is chaotic, and it is totally random.

I didn't want to portray it to be a dreamlike experience because it isn't. It is messy, it is chaotic, and it is totally random. Unable to anticipate its arrival, and unable to predict its final departure, that's the nature of 'soft edges'. Perhaps some grains of truth can be glimpsed from this phenomenon - that special moments are, indeed, fleeting: like the shooting star that comes in such infrequency, it was spectacular while it lasted, but once it was gone, it was like it never happened before, leaving behind a trail of wistfulness, of bittersweet regrets.

Anyway, I'm glad that this template is finally done! It's probably the most difficult and protracted template that I've ever done (the BB one was the next most difficult, but it was easy compared to this because there is a clear identity that I can follow). Technically, the incorporation of a Flash movie as a header was tedious too, and the search for an online host for it was equally daunting. Now that I'm done, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief, and proudly proclaim it to be my best work so far :D

Of spears

2009-01-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

A sharp spear calls forth the flow of life, unleashing a hollowed cry of pain through treacherous lines. A blunt spear leaves no obvious marks but imprints a muted agony behind the unbreached facade. Defenceless, behind the passive pair of orbs where light reveals colourful truths, you watch on as both pretentious shields reveal their true facades, intoxicating you in the bittersweet scent of sadness. At that point, you just wish to get away from this horrible nightmare, but as you feel the spectre of emptiness eating into your insides, the sounds of disappointment betray that this is no dream. You start to realize how painful reality can be.

Wow, that sounded quite emo. Actually, it's just me doing some writing therapy. haha I feel so much better now. And thanks to friends for being such good listening ears as I talk about random theories of mine on life, love and the universe :D

Alright, here are some random thoughts:
There are times when we feel like a flat battery, exhausted and emptied of sustainable fuel. Perhaps all we need is a thousand-watt smile, and a listening ear to plug into, and we'd be back to being fully-charged!

Friends are the ones who make you smile when you least feel like it.
Acquaintances are the ones whom you have to smile for even when you least feel like it.

Our ephemeral lives

2009-01-21T20:16:00.000+08:00

Just like the ephemeral willpower, our lives are situated on moving plateaus, always changing, always evolving, and always so unpredictable.

Borrowing a chapter from the Brownian motion, we are all like tiny particles set on a random collision course with one another, with our actions determined by the momentum of people around and our decisions influenced by the force of surroundings.

Life is transient, that is what we often discover upon hindsight. Minutes, months, and milleniums... we have been through them all, either through our present story or through past history. Moments arrive and depart in unlikely fashion; memories coalesce and evaporate at capricious timings. There are no patterns or fixed courses to be found in the fleeting, and only that which has endured eclectic empires and dreamless dynasties will uncover forgotten motifs set in incoherent designs.

Somehow, I feel that we humans bear many similarities to the Mimosa - we offer others fleeting chances to discover the depths of our exposed identity, and close up at the slightest misperceived affront. These opportunities are much like shifting quicksand, and if we should not thread upon them carefully, the crust on which we balance on will disintegrate; and following it, our hopes and dreams will sink and lie forgotten.

Rejoice while you can, love while you are able. Grief if you must, but let go of your sorrows fast. Be contented with what you have, and do not frustrate yourself over that which you have not. Seek beauty in the mysteries of life, but forget not to seek peace with your inner soul. And while what lies beyond mortality are not for mortals to know, what lies before you are yours to define.

Let us anchor our fleeting existence; let us define our ephemeral lives.

Willpower

2009-01-21T18:58:00.000+08:00

Willpower is a strange thing. There are times when it reveals its overwhelming presence and you find yourself able to feel its tangible yet nebulous texture. Such occasions are perhaps most common in the early hours of the breaking dawn where you emerge from the twilight of your dreams, trapped between the allure of one more minute of sleep and the need to be awake. Willpower will then creep upon your consciousness in a subtle fashion, and you can feel the strength in its vague body as you struggle to do what you need to but do not want.

Yet, at other times, willpower seems contented to be residing in the nether region of oblivion, staying out of our awareness and pretending to be non-existent. We are hardly bothered by its passivity and we usually do not exert too much effort in searching for the ephemeral entity.

And I wonder then: is it willpower that exerts influence over our actions, or is it we who subjugate it to our will?

the light at the end of the tunnel

2009-01-21T00:51:00.000+08:00

I CAN SEE THE LIGHT.

THREE MORE DAYS!!!

Thanks to friends for random lunches and dinners that have kept me from missing school too much (:

And my HOUSED is a total matriarch! They keep insisting on watching movies like Bride Wars or (little?) Ponya. How does one choose between a chick flick and a Japanese anime that has a _____ (fill-in-the-blanks) storyline? So my suggestion to watch Changeling has been utterly crushed through the sheer power of their will, especially when I don't have Kovan to back me up as he's working hard at defending our nation. Sigh, and to think society is advocating for greater female equality. I think we need some male liberation here!